pinterest success: things we've crafted

You all know I am terrible at crafts and projects.  J, however, rocks projects and DIY and home  improvements.  He can build most anything.  He would argue this point, but when I say I like something and he turns around and constructs the thing - sometimes without plans! - it leaves me impressed.


Here is an example of recent projects we've tackled from Pinterest:


J: laundry basket storage

J actually found this on the site actual because he spends so much time there, but it's been floating around Pinterest.  J dismantled an old set of shelves to make ours. It needs painted, but is otherwise done.  He made this because he was tired of going to the basement to bring the laundry up only to find himself sans basket.


Angela: plastic bag storage

We don't have many plastic bags in the house, but the few floating around make me crazy.  I did this in about five minutes this morning.  Go me.

Next on J's list: ruler growth chart for B's room

This project may be put on hold if he decides to make the benches and picnic tables for the yard.  Spring is here now, which means we'll be able to sit outside and enjoy the weather in four months or so.

Next up on my list ... 

I haven't found anything I can do yet.  But I am having a lot of success with recipes!!

Two new recipes I've served this month:

Crock Pot Honey Sesame Chicken

Baked Creamy Chicken Taquitos

J liked the honey sesame chicken so much he asked for it to be put on next month's menu, which I've already planned out!!

What has Pinterest inspired you to make lately?

*I ditched the Disqus commenting platform.  I hope commenting on posts is easier now*

Pin It

new directions & growth

I spend a lot of time blogging.  A LOT.  I do my best to put family first, but that doesn't always happen.  Some evenings I have a hard time getting off the computer and hanging out with J.  Some days I feel a little frustrated when B wakes earlier than expected from his nap because I wasn't quite able to finish a post.


I've spent a fair amount of time lately thinking things over, asking for advice, and figuring out how to proceed.  I want my blog to grow, I want to continue gaining readers, I want my blog to help me contribute to my family financially.  BUT!  I also want this blog to be a place for those who have lost babies and need support.  I think I've found a good balance so far, but I'm ready to shift things and push for a little more growth.


Selling ad spots on my blog doesn't feel like the right direction for me.  You won't click over here one day to see huge ads, less real content, more content aimed at making money, or anything like that, but I will be changing things up a bit to see if it's possible to make money via affiliate programs and the like. (A percentage of all funds made from the blog will be donated to groups that help parents after pregnancy and infant loss.)


I've also pulled the book out again.  It's Charlotte's story, and what came after, expanded.  Stories from the blog, stories that I haven't published, more content than a typical blog post.  I really want to make it happen, but am having a difficult time doing so.  My goal is to make it more manageable by breaking it into sections, instead of writing a whole book at once!, and publishing each section as an ebook which would be available for a small fee.  I would really appreciate feedback on this idea.


And I would love to know what you like about this space so I can continue in a direction that makes readers happy.  Why do you read?  What do you like to read about?  How can I make this blog better?


None of these changes will happen quickly, but I wanted to let you know at the outset that they will be coming.  There may be some growing pains, there will be some change, but I don't want to lose what I love about this space - you and me hanging out, talking about life, babies, books, food, grief and loss.

Pin It

when we were young

Oh my good gravy, look at these photos!  I found these beauties while searching out a different picture on my computer.  We were young then, and super skinny.  I think J weighed in at a whopping 120 lbs!!  Most of these are from our honeymoon in Lincoln City, Oregon.  It was June - cold, raining, misting, but we had one nice day!  This was back in our we have no money, but at least we have each other! days.

My how we've changed!!

Pin It

biggest blowout ever

As I was readying Bennett for church this morning I said, "You know, he hasn't pooped since Tuesday.  I bet we're in for it soon."


And yet I was surprised when he pooped in the middle of church two hours later.


My dad was holding him when it happened.  I waited a few minutes and then J said, "He needs changed, it can't wait."


As I was picking him up I noticed that his clothes were a mess.  I carried him gingerly out of the sanctuary and up to the cry room, which was empty thank goodness.

I set him on his change mat and carefully began peeling off his clothes.  There was poop everywhere, out the top and bottom of the diaper, on his stomach, legs, back.  Bennett's instinct is always to put his hands in his diaper region as soon as his diaper comes off.  This new found love of his makes me crazy, I can't change a diaper without his hands involved somehow.  I give him toys, he throws them aside, and reaches for the diaper or himself - sometimes both.


After surveying the situation I pulled Sophie from the diaper bag and distracted him long enough to get the diaper undone.  As I was pulling it from underneath him he reached down, dropped Sophie in the dirty diaper and put his hands in the poop.  Two seconds later we went from poop almost everywhere to poop EVERYWHERE.


I stared at him in disbelief, trying to figure out what to do.  It felt like one of those moments, you know the ones, when an experienced mom would know just what to do, while the first time mom (that would be me) just wrings her hands and watches the poop fly.


After a few moments of mouth wide open disbelief I came to my senses, scooped Bennett up and deposited him in the small sink by the door.  I turned the water on, which made him scream because it was freezing cold and he didn't expect it.


At this point another mom walked in.  She looked at the floor where the poop massacre had gone down, looked at me, looked back at the floor, smiled, "Do you need help?"


I smiled back.  "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I have this under control."


"Okay .." she carried her little girl to the other side of the room.


I rinsed Bennett off as best I could in the small sink, carried him back over to our place on the floor, and cleaned the rest of the poop off with wipes.  That's right, after his sink bath with paper towel washcloths he still had poop smeared all over his sweet self.


Once he was clean I searched through the diaper bag for a blanket to set him down on.  No blanket.  I'd left it in the sanctuary with J.  I pulled out my nursing cover, tossed it on the floor, and set him down.  I put his diaper on and then left him playing happily with his feet while I disinfected Sophie (poor, poor Sophie), his changing mat, and the sink.


Then I dressed him in the one outfit I had in the diaper bag, which was not weather appropiate and didn't really match either, and headed downstairs.  We spent the rest of the service in the lobby.  Bennett slept while I tried to listen to the sermon and worried about whether I had poop on me.  I just felt gross after the whole experience.


After the service we went to lunch with my parents.  Bennett woke up briefly after church and then fell asleep again on the way.

We ate lunch with my parents before coming home.  A few minutes after we arrived home I was standing over the heater in the kitchen warming my feet and chattering away when I looked down and noticed something ...

Bet you can guess what it was. 


My apologies to those I hugged after church.

Pin It

Dear Ministry Leaders: Helping Families Through Baby Loss

A few days ago I received an email from a local blog reader who will be speaking to a group of ministry leaders about ministering to families who have lost babies.  She wanted my take on things since she has not lost a baby herself, though she works hard for the loss community via Calvin's Hats.


Responding to her question gave me time to process and think about my faith journey, and how Charlotte's death affected it.  I like what came of the exercise, I feel like it explains me a bit more, so thought I would share it here.  I added a bit, but otherwise left it unchanged.


Dear Ministry Leaders,


Be gentle, be kind, be loving. Two days after Charlotte died our good friends came over. They said, "We just want to love you through this time," and then prayed for us. I think that's the best thing any ministry leader can do. Love, love, love the families who experience baby loss.


Do not speak of God's plan, or will, or unique timing.  Shortly after Charlotte died I didn't want to hear about her death being God's plan or will. I don't believe He took her away from us and at the time I couldn't separate the idea of the overall plan He has for my life from that one instant. 

Losing a baby is a solitary thing, very isolating, and families need a place to fall apart. I spent many a Sunday crying through worship and the sermon. And there were a lot of weeks when we couldn't find the energy to go to church. So if a family isn't around for a few weeks check in on them. Minister to them at home because going out is too difficult (so many babies at church!).

Remind the families of God's love. Over and over and over again. It's easy to lose sight of that in the midst of grief. And remind them that he knows pain and grief and the loss of a child. He sent His Son to die for us, He knows that unique pain. When we mourn, when we hurt, when we experience great sorrow it brings Him to His knees. He doesn't like it when His children suffer because He knows how it feels.


One of my favorite hymns is How Deep the Father's Love for Us, mostly because of these lines:

"How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns his face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory."

Read and pass on When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It restored my faith in God, gave me an idea of the meaning behind losing Charlotte even though there isn't really any meaning to be had.

Recommend or give out Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise album. He wrote the songs after his daughter died in an accident. His songs carried me through the darkest of times. The words reminded me that Jesus was with me through it all, even when I felt utterly alone.

Understand that those who lose babies are mad, mad, mad. And their rage is often directed at God. They wonder why God didn't save their baby when they prayed and asked Him to.  Allow room for that anger. Create a safe space where it can be vented so it doesn't fester and affect family and spiritual relationships. A lot of loss parents turn away from God, but I think they can be gently guided back over time with lots of prayer, love and understanding.

I often felt like I shouldn't go to church because I was confused about God and our relationship. We didn't go for a while after Charlotte died, but when I got pregnant again we returned. Not consistently, but more than we had been attending. I felt guilty, like I was only going because I wanted to keep my baby safe, and I thought bringing him - via me - to the house of the Lord would accomplish that.


Over time I realized going to church doesn't protect us from hurt, but it does provide a sanctuary when life crashes down around us. I learned that God doesn't care if I show up with a confused heart and clenched fists; He can work wonders on any spirit.

It took me nearly two very long years to come to a place of healing and acceptance, and to renew my relationship with God. I don't know why Charlotte died, but I've grown and learned and accepted that her death has led to transformation in me.

Perhaps God wanted me to long for heaven, to crave it more. That has certainly been accomplished. Or maybe He wanted me to lean solely on Him, to understand my faith and fully commit to living as His child.

I think God uses trials and times of great sorrow to remind us He is present, holy, in control of our lives, our Father. Though it feels like we walk alone, He is always by our side ready for us to reach out and ask him to help us through. And ministry leaders are a conduit, a way for those who are reaching to connect with the One they are seeking.

Pin It

the slow down

This afternoon I drove from my sister's to my mom's with B, my nephew, and my niece packed in the backseat of the Subaru like (the cutest) sardines.  My nephew spent the fifteen minute drive entertaining the babies and chattering away.  That kid loves to talk.


He was telling me about his new frog shirt, which he loves because it reminds him of his frog who died.  "Do you know what I mean, Angie?" he asked.  "My sweet frog who died, who went to heaven and is with Charlotte now."


I looked in the rear-view mirror, smiled, said, "Mmmm."  A response that didn't require much effort.  My nephew knows just where my heart is.  It seems he drops Charlotte into our conversations when I need it the most.


I can still recall with great clarity the day we were driving through the suburbs of Seattle when he said, "Charlotte died, but you stayed here with us."  At that time, about three months out from her death, I wanted to spin around in my seat and ask him why it happened like it did, why she entered the glory of heaven while I was left to grieve and mourn.  As if he would have the answers.


We've entered the slow down, which ironically is a kind of gearing up, a preparation for May and her second birthday.  Months of our lives are lost to the slow down.  From when Easter dresses first appear in stores through her first birthday, from Thanksgiving to the first of the year, all wasted time when we accomplish less as we grieve more.


The approach of her second birthday is so different from the first.  We have B now, that's a glaring change, but it's also not the first one, which was SO huge.  We're not planning an event, or asking people to do anything, or requiring much from ourselves.  It will be her day and then it won't, simple as that.


How can one day matter so much?  How can a short statement from a little boy in the backseat make me wonder if she will be remembered this year and the next and the next and the next?  It's so easy for my nephew, he relates heaven to Charlotte.  When people or animals die they are with Charlotte, period.  It makes sense to him in a way I cannot grasp.


Sigh.


The one true and constant thing about grief is that it is never easy.  It is hard, difficult, wrenching, intense, immeasurable, but never easy.


Sweet, sweet girl who should be nearing two: I love you, I love you, I love you. Pin It

blueberry muffins and eight hours sleep

B finally settled down and slept well last night.  The previous three nights were absolute misery.  Night before last he screamed in my arms for a solid hour.  I eventually put him in his crib and sat in the hall for a few moments to compose myself.  We thought it was his teeth so we gave him Tylenol, but even that didn't help.  Last night he slept all night in his crib, woke to nurse at 10:30, 3:30, and then slept until 8:30.  I really needed the sleep, I'm so glad he had a good night.

The month of homemaking continues.  This morning I popped B in the Ergo and made a batch of blueberry muffins.  It was my first attempt, they turned out pretty well.  I used this recipe.  I've been craving them and planned to buy a mix at the store yesterday, but after looking at the ingredients list I decided to bake from scratch.

So this morning I've had half a bagel and two blueberry muffins.  I think I want B to nurse forever so I can continue eating like this without gaining weight.

When J saw me looking up blueberry muffin recipes on Pinterest he said, "You know, I would eat bran muffins for breakfast ..."  I guess that's next on my list to make.

I've cooked nearly every day this month.  J and I went to a movie at the theater pub one night and had dinner out one other night, but other than that I've cooked every meal.  I think J likes coming home to dinner instead of me in the kitchen searching through cupboards and eventually saying, "Hmm, how about pancakes or grilled cheese?"  I've also tried a few new recipes: chicken parmesan, pulled pork, chicken taquitos.  I can't believe I haven't had a fail yet.  When I checked the calendar last night I sighed with relief to see spaghetti written down. Something easy that I know how to make, wonderful!

After dinner last night B reached for my water glass and tried to drink.  We got down on the floor and I helped him get down the last of the water.  We got soaked in the process, but it was amazing to watch him figure it out.  It was a tall water glass too, not the easiest cup to start out with.  It's so exciting when he learns something new.

After he downed the rest of the water

We've been having a series of Northwest storms.  Wind and rain, power outages, lots of thunder.  It's pouring outside this morning.  I'm going to curl up, have a mug of tea and another muffin, or ten.

B says hello.

Pin It