Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What to do, what to do

Every now and then I read a book that makes me want to do something I wouldn't normally want to do, or even consider doing. A while back I read a book called Labor of Love: A Midwife's Memoir. After reading it I thought, well, when I have kids I'll have a midwife and give birth at home. It sounds fantastic!

The next morning I woke up and realized two things: a) I'm not even sure if I want to have kids and b) me having kids without pain medication is never, ever going to happen. I have zero pain tolerance and if possible I want my husband to give me an epidural at home before we leave for the hospital. He's in the medical field, surely he can do it.

I'm sure lots, if not most, women go through the process of trying to decide when to have kids, if kids should be had, etc. It just seems like I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I wish I could turn off that portion of my brain, but it seems determined to stay on and active. Maybe thinking about babies all the time is just part of being a 25-year-old female. I know I don't have a "career" but I have a job I love and I'm not looking forward to giving it up. And then there's the actual pregnancy aspect. My hips are going to get wider and they will not go back to their original state - is anyone ever really ready for that??

My dog is curled up in a ball and ignoring me, which means it's time to take her for a walk. A dog is all I can handle right now. I hope someday I wake up with the knowledge that I want to have children and with a date in mind. Part of me hopes to get pregnant accidentally because the decision gets made for me that way, but that's not very mature, or healthy! For now I am going to avoid books about giving birth in the hopes that that will quiet my mind.


thank you!


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