Saturday, January 10, 2009

Open Mouth - Insert Foot

This past Sunday I made the colossal mistake of saying I wasn't sure I wanted children to my sister when my mother was in my house. I didn't think she was in hearing range, but the conversation (it was more of a lecture, actually) that occurred the following Thursday reminded me that mothers are always in hearing range.

On Thursday I took my mother out to lunch because she was going to drive me to Vancouver, WA to pick up our new car. It's a 2008 Subaru and I am unashamedly in love with it. I took her out to Burgerville because it's local-ish and if you're going to eat fast food you might as well eat the best you can find.

As soon as we sat down my mother said, "Are you sure you don't want to have children?" Oh, Lord I thought. She's been stewing over this since Sunday. That means she's had days to come up with arguments and reasons why I should have children. After that opening volley a 40 minute conversation, of sorts, was had. She did most of the talking while I threw in as much defending as I could. At one point my mother even said, "I'm not telling you what to do - I'm just telling you what to do."

I feel more blindsided than angry. My mother has always been so good about not interfering. She's always let me do what I need to do and if I need her she's always been there. Yes, there have been some judgmental comments over the years, but for the most part she has let me live my life as I see fit.

I know this conversation probably stems from the fact that my sister is moving to Idaho with my nephew for her husband's job. My mother bonded with my nephew from day one. He started sleeping over at her house when he was two weeks old and when he was diagnosed with kidney disease (false diagnosis!) and then cancer she was with my sister every step of the way. She still goes to most hospital visits with them and she still watches him a lot. She has 3 other grandchildren besides him though. I don't see why I need to add to the crowd.

Plus my nephew's illness scares me half to death. My sister once told me the hardest thing she's had to face is that her child could die. When I asked her how she's managed to come to terms with that fact she said, "You just do." My sister has been a mother, a nurse, and a support system for her husband through this journey. I have no idea how she gets up day after day, but she does. The chances of me having a child with cancer are slim, but there is a chance because my nephew and cousin have the same type of cancer and they both got it as babies. When I look at my nephew and think of how sick he's been and how far we still have to go it breaks my heart. I love that little boy so much; I can only imagine how much I would love my own child.

I tried to explain all of the concerns Jonathan and I have about my health. She responded that that should make us try quicker because I may not be able to get pregnant. Being my mother she was quick to bring up my greatest fear.

"You don't want to be the 40-year-old mother dropping your child off at preschool do you?" she asked. Well, of course not! But I am only 25! I want to finish having kids by the time I am 30. Surely I don't have to start today?! Since I am so unsure on the matter I think it's better to wait instead of having a child I don't want.

There's also the matter of the spring of 2008 when my marriage was blown to pieces and I was left standing in the aftermath wondering what the hell had happened. Jonathan and I are doing much, much better now. With the help of friends, family and counseling we've been able to pick up most of the pieces, but I'm still frightened that adding something as stressful as a child to our lives will scatter the pieces all over again. I know we still need time as a couple without children to regain our footing and make sure we're on solid ground. We're so close, but I don't want to rush things.

I already spend so much of my time worrying about whether or not I want to be a mom. I don't need my mother weighing in on the matter. When I feel ready, we will try. And if I can't get pregnant, we will not look into infertility options as my mother suggested. If I am unable to get pregnant I am going to regard it as a sign from my body and the good Lord that it is not meant to happen.

Some days, I tell you. Some days.

We leave for Mt. Hood tomorrow. We rented a cabin near Zig-Zag for a few days and I am going to spend my time not thinking about children. I'm going to enjoy spending time with my husband and the dog (and our new car!). I'm going to read, watch a lot of movies and eat popcorn by the fire. I'm going to spend hours in the hot tub and I am going to sleep a lot.

Friday, January 2, 2009

How exciting!

Our Internet has been spotty for the past two weeks so I've been blogging from work on my lunch break. Fair warning: I've got lots to say.

First off - I watched Mamma Mia New Year's Eve and I LOVED it. It's not a very good movie, but at the same time it's too excellent to watch only once. I wish I would've watched it when my husband wasn't around so I could have the full experience, but I can (and will) watch it again. The DVD even has a sing along option!

I have to admit, I listened to a lot of ABBA in high school and this movie brought some old memories back. My best friend in high school loved the song Dancing Queen so much she wanted someone to wake her up on her 17th birthday with that song. So I did. We jumped on her bed and danced and sang until the song was over. We were both 17 and life was grand and rather uncomplicated. I haven't thought of that moment in YEARS, but as soon as that song started playing it all came rushing back.

One thing I did not like about the movie? Pierce Brosnan should not sing. Ever. The parts where he has to solo are painful and I recommend skipping them.

Jonathan and I are going up to the mountains the 2nd week of January for a much needed vacation. I wish it wouldn't have snowed so much before Christmas because we're both sick of the stuff now, but hopefully our vacation will still be fun. While it would be nice to go somewhere warm I am very, very excited to be going to the mountain. The only problem is that the mountain cabin has a hot tub and I have not bought a bathing suit since 2005. Or maybe 2004. It's been a long time.

I was out shopping for a few things yesterday and on a whim decided to try on a bathing suit. And not just any bathing suit, but a bikini. Well, it wasn't exactly a whim. I think my husband is tired of seeing me in the same bathing suit. But I only wear it once a year, at the most, so it's not like it's worn out.

Now, I have put on a bikini exactly zero times before in my life. I am just not comfortable exposing that much skin to the world. I don't even like V-neck t-shirts because they show a hint of cleavage. I place the blame for my modesty on being raised Baptist.

I was standing in the dressing room, glad no one could see me trying to get into a bikini, when I had a realization: the mystery 8 lbs I have gained this year are sitting on my thighs. I spent 11 months wondering where the hell I had gained the weight and two seconds after stuffing myself into a bikini, I had my answer.

I quickly divested myself of the bikini and got back into my layers of clothing. Let me just say - I LOVE WINTER! No need for skirts, shorts or tank tops. I can pile on 4 or 5 shirts and people don't give me a second glance. I am so glad we are vacationing in a cold spot. The only time I have to put on a bathing suit is if I choose to use the hot tub. I don't have to wear a bathing suit because we're vacationing in the tropics and it's too hot to wear anything else. Thank the Lord for cold weather. I'm already dreading June.

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