Saturday, February 21, 2009

Laundry

In our house the laundry area is in the basement. When I do laundry, which is a lot since Jonathan goes through at least two outfits a day, I try my hardest to bring the laundry upstairs when it is dry. If I don't bring it up it stays downstairs in baskets or the dryer and that corner of the basement becomes our closet. Jonathan does not mind this nearly as much as I do. For the past few days he has been heading downstairs every night to get scrubs for the next morning. Why he doesn't bring everything up at once I will never understand.

Since I don't have a pajama-like uniform to wear to work every day I have to think about what I am going to wear. I absolutely hate going down to the basement in the morning. The entire house is freezing because we turn the heat off at night and the basement is about 10 degrees cooler. I have started sending Jonathan to the basement to fetch clothes for me. You would think all these trips up and down our hellish basement stairs (they are not built to code) would cause him to bring all the laundry up at once. But no, it continues to languish in the basement day after day.

I would like to do an experiment wherein I leave all our clean clothes downstairs and see how long it takes before he gets frustrated and asks why he has to go downstairs to get dressed or find clothes. However, he would probably stop fetching my clothes long before he got tired of retrieving his.

When I do laundry this weekend I know I am going to have to bring it upstairs and fold it. But it's been fun to watch my husband approach his basket of scrubs with confusion each night this week. (I let him keep his scrubs on top of the dresser because it's easier for him when he's on call and I realized I had other battles to fight.) Here is our nightly conversation:
"Hey babe? I need scrubs."
I keep reading.
"Are there scrubs in the dryer downstairs?"
I shrug.
"I guess I will go check downstairs. You haven't done laundry recently?"
I shake my head.

He goes downstairs and returns with a pair of scrubs and a triumphant look on his face. Perhaps it's the glory of the search that keeps him from bringing the laundry up.

Monday, February 16, 2009

A bit of a whine fest

I've spent the past five days feeling awful. Today I stayed in bed and read from 8-10. Then I went upstairs, curled up on the floor in a pile of blankets next to the heater and watched an Ace of Cakes marathon on the Food Network.

I didn't sleep very much last night and I feel horrible. My energy level is super low and my right hand tremor has returned with a vengeance, but my heart rate is way lower than it usually is. When my thyroid levels go off balance my heart rate is usually the first thing to alert me to a change. Since that's not happening, I'm not sure if the reason I'm feeling ill is because of the usual culprit, or if it's something else.

I walk a fine line between being well enough to function and too ill to do much besides sleep. With medication I've been able to stay fairly healthy for the past 3 years, but I haven't felt completely well for about 6 years now.

This week is going to be a good one and I don't want the good parts to be ruined by a lack of appetite, nausea or general malaise. On Sunday I spent time with good friends who moved to Seattle a while back. On Wednesday I am having dinner with an old co-worker and on Thursday I hope to have lunch with a friend from university.

However, my excitement about all of this is overshadowed by how I've been feeling lately. And it's not just a physical feeling either; I've been feeling out of sync emotionally as well. There's a few things I am very, very frustrated about right now and I know there's nothing I can do to change those feelings of frustration. I'm also feeling very bitter and angry about some events that happened recently, but to mention my feelings would be pointless and I know to do so would be petty.

Overall, I would classify myself as grumpy.

My husband is married to his X-Box which drives me crazy. And it's made worse by the fact that he plays online with his friends. If I hear him scream "You watch the windows! Watch my back, man!" one more time, I just may lose my mind and destroy his X-Box. Plus I get snapped at whenever I venture upstairs to ask a question. His life is at stake! How dare I interrupt him?!

I know life is a series of ups and downs, but I feel like I've been down for most of 2009. As I mentioned in a previous post, January is a hard, hard month for me. And at this point, February isn't shaping up to be much better.

Grumpy and whiny has been my m.o for most of '09 thus far. I hope I snap out of it soon, because I'm starting to get tired of myself.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's the small things

Yesterday I went up to Portland to visit my sister and nephew. My sister had to run some errands and one involved seriously complicated directions so I went with her instead of staying at home with Ryan. After our first errand was completed (picking up Ryan's new motorbike in North Portland!) we headed to Emanuel hospital so my sister could pick up some of Ryan's records.

The motorbike didn't fit perfectly, the gate was ajar a little bit, so my sister wanted me to stay in the car and wait for her. Ryan and I played 'camera' and chatted about life and his new bike. He still has at least a year before he can ride it but he likes to touch the wheel and say biiiiiike.

The records my sister needed cost around $50.00 and she forgot her checkbook at home so I had to write one for her. Once we were done at Emanuel we headed to the bank so my sister could pay me back. While she ran into the bank Ryan and I once again guarded the bike.

I was sitting up front, listening to the radio my sister had left on and thinking about all the housework we still needed to do when we returned home. From the backseat Ryan said "Annee" (he still has a hard time with the g) so I turned around to see what he needed. He was leaning forward in his car seat and holding his hand out. I reached back and my fingers in his palm. He wrapped his hand around my fingers and started caressing my palm with his thumb. I have no idea what was going through his mind as we sat there listening to the radio and holding hands. It was such a simple moment, it lasted for about a minute, but I don't think I will ever forget how calm and at peace I felt.

It's hard for me to believe Ryan will be 3 in September. Soon he won't want to hold his Annee's hand; he'll be too busy with his own independent life. I love that little boy so much; I cannot fathom how much I will care for my own children. Every moment we have with Ryan is precious and I think we are more aware of the hours we spend with him because of his cancer. I cherish each second we have together, but I will remember holding hands with him in my sister's car while a soft song played on the radio forever.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My Sad Month

I disappeared for a while there. This is going to be a short post to say I am ready to start writing again. January is a notoriously bad month for me. I get in a funk and I stay in a funk for most of the month. What's funny is every January I wonder why I'm in such a bad mood all the time and why I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep. Year, to year, I conveniently forget how dreadful January is for me.

We did go on a vacation this January which helped me wallow a bit less. The reason for my sad month is something I am going to keep to myself for now. For me January is a time for reflection, a time for remembrance and a time for sadness. Now I have wiped away all my pathetic tears and I am ready for 2009. And I am ready to stop typing January.

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