Saturday, July 3, 2010

A definition

After writing such a raw letter to Charlotte I am feeling the need to define my boundaries. I suppose this is a little bit of a welcome, a little bit of a thank you, and a little bit of mind the flowers.

This is my church. I’m too torn up inside to go back to real church so this will have to suffice for now. This is my therapy. I’m not up for real therapy so I am resting here and with other blogs and receiving much healing from that. This is where I go to commune with others who have lost their babies. Be they from here, or the Midwest, or the UK, or some other corner of the world. When I sit down to write I know there are those reading my words who know exactly how I feel and as they read they are abiding with me.

After posting ‘This one hurts’ I fretted about what people would say, if they said anything at all. It was not easy to put that much raw emotion on the page. What ends up here is only a fraction of what I write. A few days after Charlotte died I wrote in my personal journal about how I didn’t kiss her and how guilty that made me feel. For a long time I felt it was too shameful to share. But I’m finding that through sharing I am healing.

I never know what to expect after I hit post. I don’t know how many people read my blog (number of followers is not an accurate prediction), but each comment soothes my soul. (Except for when immediate family comments. Sorry all, love you, and if you want to read this it’s fine, but I need you to stay quiet).

And the messages that were sent back my way after I wrote the last post stitched up a little piece of my broken heart so quickly I didn’t realize it was happening until I woke up this morning and noticed a little less jaggedness. That huge cloud of shame has shrunk quite a bit. I would say it’s merely a wisp of a cloud now, still hovering, still present, but aware that others know it is there.

Good friends, family members, strangers, all are welcome here. Just know this is my space, it is sacred and I am very protective of it. I need this space. If you need to come sit here for a while because you are worried about me, or wondering how I am, or missing your baby and looking for someone who has experienced what you are experiencing, I welcome you. It is good to have you here, but please be gentle.

5 comments:

  1. Your writing is so beautiful angie. I am in awe of how you can express yourself so well. It honestly makes me wish i could express my love for my children the way you do to your little bird. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well spoken...blogging has become one of my "safe" places. A place where I express myself...and it's the one place that I don't worry what other people think. But, I also hope for it be something that will help me heal, and maybe help someone else in their journey.

    I hope yours can be that "safe" place. Reading your blog and reading about Charlotte has helped me as I go down this journey...so, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope I have been gentle enough; if not, drop me a line and tell me what not to say. I'm dreadfully good at getting it wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well spoken...blogging has become one of my "safe" places. A place where I express myself...and it's the one place that I don't worry what other people think. But, I also hope for it be something that will help me heal, and maybe help someone else in their journey.

    I hope yours can be that "safe" place. Reading your blog and reading about Charlotte has helped me as I go down this journey...so, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your writing is so beautiful angie. I am in awe of how you can express yourself so well. It honestly makes me wish i could express my love for my children the way you do to your little bird. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved