Monday, July 19, 2010
Look what I found
I can't believe I tucked this scrap of paper in a drawer. I think I will add it to the pictures I am putting in your photo album. Your daddy really wanted to name you Quinn. I liked Harper. And initially I thought you would be Madeline. When the ultrasound tech said you were definitely a girl I sat up on the table, hugged my belly, and thought, hello Madeline. I love the name Lorelai, but it means seductive temptress and that did not sit well with me. Your daddy and I would pick a name from the list and try it out for a few days. One day I started calling you Charlotte and we never moved to the next name on the list. I loved the name Ava Grace, but daddy didn't like it. However, he let me use Ava as your middle name since I was so attached to it. And that is how you, my dear, went from Blueberry to Charlotte Ava to Little Bird.
I've been missing you a lot lately. I will be doing fine, going about my day, and then suddenly I will start crying. I was fine all day today. Then 5:00 rolled around and I ended up lying on the couch, on my stomach, feet in the air, and sobbing. I just miss you constantly, Charlotte, and I haven't figured out how to make the ache go away. I'm actually not sure I want to make the ache go away. It's just so hard to always feel like something is missing. My arms long to hold you. I carried you your entire life, baby girl, but I wish I had one moment, just one, when you were alive and in my arms and looking into my eyes.
I'm sad tonight. Very, very sad. Missing you so much it hurts. You were loved. (You are loved). You were wanted. That's all I really want you to know tonight.
Love forever - Mama