Monday, July 19, 2010

Look what I found



Charlotte,

I can't believe I tucked this scrap of paper in a drawer. I think I will add it to the pictures I am putting in your photo album. Your daddy really wanted to name you Quinn. I liked Harper. And initially I thought you would be Madeline. When the ultrasound tech said you were definitely a girl I sat up on the table, hugged my belly, and thought, hello Madeline. I love the name Lorelai, but it means seductive temptress and that did not sit well with me. Your daddy and I would pick a name from the list and try it out for a few days. One day I started calling you Charlotte and we never moved to the next name on the list. I loved the name Ava Grace, but daddy didn't like it. However, he let me use Ava as your middle name since I was so attached to it. And that is how you, my dear, went from Blueberry to Charlotte Ava to Little Bird.

I've been missing you a lot lately. I will be doing fine, going about my day, and then suddenly I will start crying. I was fine all day today. Then 5:00 rolled around and I ended up lying on the couch, on my stomach, feet in the air, and sobbing. I just miss you constantly, Charlotte, and I haven't figured out how to make the ache go away. I'm actually not sure I want to make the ache go away. It's just so hard to always feel like something is missing. My arms long to hold you. I carried you your entire life, baby girl, but I wish I had one moment, just one, when you were alive and in my arms and looking into my eyes.

I'm sad tonight. Very, very sad. Missing you so much it hurts. You were loved. (You are loved). You were wanted. That's all I really want you to know tonight.

Love forever - Mama

11 comments:

  1. is ok sweety, big arms around you from across the globe, its days and times like these that in a crazy way help you move a tiny bit of a step forward. release. it can be as painful as birth at times. i kept harveys name list too, only his name wasn't even on it! didn't even think of it until he was born. sending love, xxx anne

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sending a big hug your way.

    I know the feeling of not being sure if you want to have the ache go away. When the pain is at its worst, I wonder when I will ever feel better. When it is just a dull ache, I feel bad that I'm not feeling worse.

    It is a tricky road we are walking on.

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  3. i, too, simply ache for that one moment we didn't get - seeing kenny alive, looking in our eyes, grasping our finger with his tiny hands.

    hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Im so sorry!! The road we travel is so hard!! I wish I had the right words but there arent any! Know that Im sending hugs and thinking of you. Let yourself grieve you deserve it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh that list brings tears to my eyes. I can almost feel the love and anticipation coming off the paper from here.

    I love all the names you considered for Charlotte. We must have similar taste. I also like Lorelai but had no idea of its meaning.

    I don't think the ache does go away and I think I understand what you mean when you say you don't want it to. Because it is our connection to our daughters?

    I wish you could have had that moment with your sweet Little Bird.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh and I meant to write it in my previous comment, have you heard of a book called Blueberry Girl by Neil Gaiman. It's beautiful, full of wishes for a little girl as yet unborn. I bought a copy for J but, truthfully, it was for both my girls.

    ReplyDelete
  7. i miss carrying round a list of names and wondering which one will be the right one.

    it will never be the same again, will it?

    ReplyDelete
  8. That ache of loss, right in the middle of the chest. I can still feel it if i go back to a certain time in my life. Things would be going fine, and then i would feel that ache and remember. I can only imagine how real it is for you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh and I meant to write it in my previous comment, have you heard of a book called Blueberry Girl by Neil Gaiman. It's beautiful, full of wishes for a little girl as yet unborn. I bought a copy for J but, truthfully, it was for both my girls.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh that list brings tears to my eyes. I can almost feel the love and anticipation coming off the paper from here.

    I love all the names you considered for Charlotte. We must have similar taste. I also like Lorelai but had no idea of its meaning.

    I don't think the ache does go away and I think I understand what you mean when you say you don't want it to. Because it is our connection to our daughters?

    I wish you could have had that moment with your sweet Little Bird.

    ReplyDelete
  11. is ok sweety, big arms around you from across the globe, its days and times like these that in a crazy way help you move a tiny bit of a step forward. release. it can be as painful as birth at times. i kept harveys name list too, only his name wasn't even on it! didn't even think of it until he was born. sending love, xxx anne

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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