Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Out of sorts

That is the best phrase for how I am feeling. Trying to work through some things. Calm down some. I need to eat better and more often. I need to get more sleep. I need to work through the incredible rage that has cropped up recently. I don't feel very sad - a little lost, but not sad. I think I'm going to be quiet for a day or two. Sit with myself, work through some things. I'm putting myself in time out, if you will.

My sister and I were talking the other day and she said I'm on an island, the island of Angela. Yes, I am. And this island is small. Few can fit on my island and even fewer are allowed. Every now and then I will send a boat to someone on shore, but usually I am here alone. And for a couple of days there will be no boats. There will be no invitations to keep me company. There will be no communication with the outside world. I am no longer comfortable with myself, with sitting in silence and doing nothing. This inability to sit with my own thoughts feels like a betrayal, or even a secondary loss.

There are so many questions bouncing around in my mind. I've always been comfortable rambling about in my head and if I have lost that ability have I lost the person I knew as Angela? Do I need to start over from scratch here or can I proceed with a few changes - some minor and possibly, if the need arises, major shifts?

I suppose I am suffering from a strange mixture of confusion and the inability to follow my own story line. In such a short amount of time I went from anticipating being a parent to being a mama to mourning my baby. It feels like my life was a puzzle and I was doing a darn good job of putting it together, everything was fitting and the picture was shaping up nicely. Now the pieces are jagged, nothing makes sense, and the end result is so hazy I can no longer imagine what it may look like.

I need to work through some things and see if I can find any fragments of the person I was before my beautiful daughter crashed into and out of this world so fast I was left stranded on an island grasping at air. Before Charlotte I had a clear idea of where I was and where I was going. Right now I don't really like myself and that makes me sad and I want to try and rectify it.

3 comments:

  1. Sending you thoughts, prayers, & love as you try to work through these feelings. Be kind to yourself, you have suffered a loss that is horrific & it takes time to work through the grief process.

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  2. "In such a short amount of time I went from anticipating being a parent to being a mama to mourning my baby."

    YES. This is exactly how I feel. Everything happened so quickly and my head is still spinning. The last 9 months of my life have been crazy.

    I think you are doing an amazing job working through your grief. Your words have been really helpful to my own healing as well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending you thoughts, prayers, & love as you try to work through these feelings. Be kind to yourself, you have suffered a loss that is horrific & it takes time to work through the grief process.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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