Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Prepare yourself

I am having a good day. Can you believe it? I have been so down the past few days. So full up of anxiety, sadness, and grief I felt as if I might float away.

I woke up this morning and the last thing I wanted to do was go to Aquafit. But my friend was coming to pick me up at 8:30 and I couldn't very well hide while she sat in the driveway wondering where I was. I trudged out to her car, we drove to the Y, got changed and then jumped in the water for class. And I had a really good time. I worked hard today. When we were in the deep end, doing sets of crunches, then relaxing, I felt better then I have in days. I was on my back, one noodle under my arms, one under my feet, floating, focusing on my breathing and completely calm. Do you ever have moments where you let yourself go and just exist? It was like that. I was completely in the moment and I felt so weightless (okay, you can probably attribute that to the pool) and serene. Afterwards I felt like I had washed out my brain and left a lot of my anxiety at the bottom of the pool.

Then we went to Costco for milk and some other things. Soon after Charlotte died I bought a pair of black capri pants at Costco and I have been living in them. I really wanted a pair in gray, but when I checked all they had were size 2 and size 4. When we went today they had one pair in my size in gray. Very exciting. Now I can alternate between the black and the gray. (This is my life now. I get excited about pants). Lately I've felt as if the whole universe is against me (I have a healthy ego) and when I saw one pair of gray pants laying on top of the pile and they were my size it felt like a much needed victory.

When I got home I eased my sore self onto the couch to catch up on my blog reading. And guess what? I won a giveaway! I never win anything. I did an impromptu happy dance on the couch when I saw my name on Kristin's blog. I already have a beautiful necklace for Charlotte, but I can't wait to get one with her name on the front. I will wear it and be proud of my sweet girl.

Then, and this is the best part, an incredible thing happened today. I was sitting cross legged on the couch, all excited because I won Kristin's giveaway, and I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked to the left and saw a tiny white butterfly outside the living room window. Hmmm, I thought, this is the fourth day I've seen that little beauty in the yard. Then it hit me. It's Charlotte, saying hello. So I talked to her for a little while. I told her I loved her and missed her, and thanks to Stevie's mama I was going to get another piece of jewelry that reminded me of her. Seeing that little white butterfly felt like a blessing; a sweet reminder that Charlotte is hanging out in heaven with Jesus and doing just fine.

Does it feel like I am shouting at you? That's because I am. I am so full of joy right now and I don't know where to put all the good feelings. I would like to do some dancing, but I am too sore from all of the exercising I have been doing this week.

These past few days I've been dragging myself through a dense forest and today I came out on the other side and I am beside myself with relief. I feel as though I have barely been hanging on lately. The good Lord kept telling me I would make it, that He was right there with me and wouldn't let me fall off the cliff, but my goodness I came close. I know there will be more forests and dark times and cliffs, but right now my soul is dancing. I'm pretty sure my little girl is dancing up in heaven with Jesus right now too. I wish she was here, dancing with me, but she is okay and I am okay and that is enough. Today my heart is singing the refrain from that old hymn:

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul


And hopefully when the next hard time appears I will be able to remember these blessings and how sweet joy feels after a long period of sorrow.

14 comments:

  1. This makes me SO happy Angela! I can literally feel your joy. I had a day like this the other day and it felt so good to feel happy, really happy. I find myself more appreciative of the little moments of goodness in my life now.

    Hope this happy up-swing continues!

    Xoxo

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  2. I am so incredibly glad to see you have a happy day. You so deserve it. I hope it continues on for you and that you continue seeing those precious signs from your sweet little angel above.

    Many *hugs*

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  3. I can't tell you how happy I am that you had a good day, a great day! I hope these great days keep coming. I love that that butterfly has been around for 4 days. It was definitely sent from Charlotte. The butterflies that come around me at meaningful times are always monarch or white butterflies.

    I could feel your happiness and peace by reading your post. I bet Charlotte was really happy to see that you were happy today.

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  4. i am so, so glad you had such a good day! i hope you have many more of them!

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  5. Congratulations on your win! Lucky you!

    I've always found that swimming can help induce that calm feeling. I always thought it was because, well, I like to swim...but maybe it is just something inherent in the water. Glad you're having a good day.

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  6. I'm glad you are having a good day! So exciting that you won Kristin's giveaway! Here's to today's good day and more to come!

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  7. What a beautiful blog post!! I can feel the peace and love radiating off the screen! : ) <3 I am so happy for you love.

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  8. I just read Charlotte's story. What a beautiful little girl. The butterflies are such a special sign from your baby. I hope you continue to have good days.

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  9. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!!!!

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  10. I just read Charlotte's story. What a beautiful little girl. The butterflies are such a special sign from your baby. I hope you continue to have good days.

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  11. What a beautiful blog post!! I can feel the peace and love radiating off the screen! : ) <3 I am so happy for you love.

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  12. I am so incredibly glad to see you have a happy day. You so deserve it. I hope it continues on for you and that you continue seeing those precious signs from your sweet little angel above.

    Many *hugs*

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  13. I can't tell you how happy I am that you had a good day, a great day! I hope these great days keep coming. I love that that butterfly has been around for 4 days. It was definitely sent from Charlotte. The butterflies that come around me at meaningful times are always monarch or white butterflies.

    I could feel your happiness and peace by reading your post. I bet Charlotte was really happy to see that you were happy today.

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thank you!

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