Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Some words

I wrote out a post, went to publish it, and deleted the entire thing. Somehow it didn't save as I was typing it. Frustrated. And taking it as a sign to go in a different direction.

Are you tired of me yet? I certainly am.

Every night I feel the urge to sit down and write out how I'm feeling. It won't remove the pain, but it lessens the sting a bit. I may be repeating myself, in fact I'm sure I am, but I need these words on this page. I need to say over and over, I'm sad, I'm lost, it hurts, I miss her.

So. I'm sad. I'm lost. It hurts. I miss her.

I'm exhausted, worn out, wrung out.

I am angry. Upset by the unfairness.

And I'm tired of listening to my words and living in my head.

This is what I really want to say tonight:

Charlotte,

"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color."

W. S. Merwin - Separation

I have some things to do tomorrow and then I am staying in bed for the rest of the week. It's all too much right now.

8 comments:

  1. Angela, my heart grieves with you.

    ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  2. that's a beautiful quote. my boss's daughter died when she was 7, and they had notecards printed with her picture on the front and the quote, "The presence of her absence is everywhere." that's always touched me, but it means so much more since losing kenny.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful quote.

    I find it really helps to keep writing how much I miss Jacob, so keep writing it.

    I'm sick of our lives too, sick of feeling sad all the time, sick of my baby being dead.

    Thinking about you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love the quote!!

    I also keep a journal along with the blog so that when it feels like I'm not quite ready for the world to see what I am feeling I can still get it out.

    Love you, Girl!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm just so, so sorry for your hurt. I feel like a broken record sometimes because those words just don't really convey the sentiment--there's just no way they really can get that depth over, so sometimes I just say a silent little prayer.

    Today, I just wanted you to know that I truly, truly am sorry that your heart aches.

    ReplyDelete
  6. don't worry about repeating yourself. we all have to until some of the horror of it starts to become real. and that takes a very long time.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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