Saturday, July 24, 2010

Ten Weeks

Today was a blah day. I mean really pathetically blah. I didn't do anything all day. I sat on the couch, streamed Boston Med, and felt sorry for myself. All. Day. Long. I ate a bit of cereal and some chips and felt sorry for myself. I watched episode after episode of Boston Med and thought about how there are no guarantees in life; we may die at any moment and death does not care about our age, our sex, our religious background, our race - it just takes.

Around 3:30 I rolled off the couch and made myself take a shower. I watered the flowers, cut and plated the brownies I made the night before, and prepared myself for an evening with friends. Good friends, lovely friends, but friends whose second baby was born one month before ours died.

We both cried on the drive over, but the night out ended up being a good thing. Nights with these friends always end up being a good thing. I played with their 22 month old. I held their 3 month old. We ate hamburgers and brownies and we laughed a lot. We laughed and laughed and laughed. There has been so much crying lately, the laughter feels good. We stayed at their house until midnight and then we drove home exhausted.

Friends like these don't come along very often. When they do I think it's important to keep them close, hug them often, and be grateful for them. Two days after Charlotte died they were at our house with food, tears, hugs, and prayer. I have a tribe comprised of family and friends. When I met these people nearly a year ago I thought, I want to add them to my tribe, but I don't know if we will mesh well. Nearly a year later and I feel as if we have been through a lifetime together and they are certainly part of my tribe. (I have no idea if you guys read this blog, but should you happen to, I love you).

Today was hard. I had one of those days where I sat on the couch and felt desperately sad. The kind of sad where I have to tell myself over and over, I can get through this, I will get through this. I talked to Charlotte a lot today. I always know I'm having a bad day when I can't stop speaking to the urn that sits in the niche above the fireplace or looking at the ceiling while blathering on about how awful I feel. To go from that to laughter and fun is jarring, but necessary. I can't be crazy all the time. I can't be a mess every hour of every day or else I won't make it through this.

For most of the day I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time. While in the shower I remembered it was a Friday and therefore ten weeks since Charlotte died. Ten weeks. Such a short time, but it feels like a long stretch, a long period of tears, anger, heartache, and complete brokenness. However, I have made it ten weeks. I have survived ten weeks without my daughter. I'm making it. It's not easy and days like today I wonder if the depression is going to take over. Then I force myself off the couch and out the door and end up having a good evening with friends. There are moments when I can't see how to get through this life without Charlotte, but I am doing it. I have no choice but to go forward, so I am.

Hard days are coming. I can see them looming. Anniversaries and birthdays and bittersweet memories of positive pregnancy tests. But right now it's 1 am and I don't need to think about how much I am dreading August. I need to be thankful for the passing of another day and sleep.

6 comments:

  1. (((HUGS)))

    I'm glad you have such great friends and that you had a good night. You are such a good person and you really deserve it!

    I'm sorry the day was so hard. I also have days where I talk to Jacob all the time and other days where I just do it once in a while. It's strange how today can be relatively OK, but tomorrow can be a terrible day. I'd expect each day to be better, but it just isn't how this works.

    I hope today turns out better.

    Thinking of you

    ReplyDelete
  2. i'm so glad you had an opportunity for fun and laughter with good friends.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good friends are a blessing...and to have friends you can laugh with and also cry with are better.

    Fridays are my day also, and I dread them most weeks. The dread is slowly leaving.

    Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good friends are a blessing...and to have friends you can laugh with and also cry with are better.

    Fridays are my day also, and I dread them most weeks. The dread is slowly leaving.

    Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. i'm so glad you had an opportunity for fun and laughter with good friends.

    ReplyDelete
  6. (((HUGS)))

    I'm glad you have such great friends and that you had a good night. You are such a good person and you really deserve it!

    I'm sorry the day was so hard. I also have days where I talk to Jacob all the time and other days where I just do it once in a while. It's strange how today can be relatively OK, but tomorrow can be a terrible day. I'd expect each day to be better, but it just isn't how this works.

    I hope today turns out better.

    Thinking of you

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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