Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Trying to love myself

This morning was my first attempt at Aquafit. I was a bit of a failure, but I enjoyed bouncing around in the pool for an hour. The instructor told us what to do, but didn't tell anyone they were doing the exercises wrong. Well, except for the one time she corrected me. It's a random grouping of people and there is no real order to the class. A lot of people do their own thing. There was a sweet older man, the only man in the class, who had his own exercise program going. I liked him a lot. We were kindred souls; both a little lost and confused as to what we were supposed to be doing.

After the class my friend and I could not get the combination lock on our locker open. My friend had to go find someone to cut the lock off with bolt cutters. I was waiting for her by the locker when a group of 4 and 5 year old girls came through. They surrounded me and started taking off their bathing suits. One little girl came up to me and asked for help with something. I leaned down to ask her what she needed, but the adult that was watching them called her over and apologized for bothering me. And of course my heart seized as I thought about how Charlotte will never be 4 or 5.

After the lock was cut off we still could not get the locker open so a maintenance guy came down and smashed it open. It was very dramatic. The entire time my friend and I were hanging out in our bathing suits, shivering, and desperate to get back in our clothes. We picked her boys up from the on site child care and headed for the parking lot. I carried her 17 month old to the car and strapped him in his car seat. I wonder if I will always be the friend who carries others babies. The friend who helps wrangle everyone else's kids instead of having my own to wrangle.

After my friend dropped me off I made a good lunch for myself (whole wheat wrap with cream cheese, turkey, greens, and spinach & a banana) and started thinking about this new routine I've started. I was careful about my diet and I exercised when I was pregnant with Charlotte, but I don't know if I've ever been this kind to myself. Since Charlotte died I've realized I don't treat myself very well.

From this day forward I am going to focus on doing the best I can. The scale is going in the closet. The fretting about the bathing suit is not allowed any more. I'm going to take my supplements, brew and drink my anti-depressive tea, walk three times a week, go to Aquafit once a week, and eat well. I'm going to be nice to myself. I'm going to stop frowning at my stomach and thinking - fat. I'm going to acknowledge that I carried a child, I birthed a child, and I will never look the same on the outside. My insides are all sorts of different too.

I've been listening to A Fine Frenzy a lot lately. From Near to You:

"Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious"

That's me these days. Still reeling, a bit delirious, but ready to try my hand at healing. Floating around the pool in the basement of the Y this morning I realized I can do this. I can treat myself with gentleness and kindness. Once a week I will descend the stairs, put on a bathing suit, and let myself be. I will take the deep breaths, do the work, and love myself for doing so.


  1. what a beautiful post. you are doing so well to take care of yourself when it is so hard for you. sending hugs.


thank you!


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