Feeling lost, a little lonely. Choosing to spend a lot of time alone, and it feels right, but I am human and I miss people. I did go to Aquafit today. The instructor introduced belts this week (I much prefer these over the standard noodles). Well, she has used them before, but this is the first week I have been there for the fun. It was a tough workout. My abs hurt, as do my legs, and my arms. It was a good change, though. No quick soak in the hot tub after as we are thinking about pregnancy again and I don't want to inadvertently boil something, or someone. I've spent the past few days in quiet contemplation, trying to be thankful, and grateful, for everything I have. I am doing my best to accept that I am here, living each day in an intense emotional state of grieving, learning, and growth, and that here is where I need to be though I wish I were somewhere, anywhere else. (If wishes were horses, beggars would ride - right?).
It's warm again today. I cannot believe it's almost October. The days are speeding by, even though I thought they would drag without her. I'm not sleeping much. I stay awake until I am so exhausted I cannot keep my eyes open, only to fall into bed and lie awake for hours thinking, praying, hoping, wishing. I stare into the darkness and recite my blessings over and over, hoping that someday soon the blessings will settle in, create a space in my heart, lessen the sorrow. I am trying to be present in each day, each hour, each moment, instead of always standing on my tip-toes and peering into the distance, trying to find the spot on the horizon where today trips into tomorrow.