Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Crazy/Frustrated

10 am

I'm in a bad mood.  4 days late.  Just enough time to get my hopes up.  I am never peeing on a stick again.  Okay, that's not true, but right now I'm determined to avoid it for the rest of my life.  I had a conversation with myself this morning.  It went like this:

You're really going to let this ruin your day?
Yep.  I'm sad, angry, depressed, and frustrated.
It's only been three cycles.  You said it would take three to four cycles to get pregnant this time.
Yes, well, three-four meant one.  How can you not know that?  And that weird patient at J's work said we would get pregnant sooner than we expected. 
There's always next month.  Take the dog for a walk, enjoy the rain, go to the library, go to the store, make dinner for once.  Don't sit on the couch eating brownies and pouting all day.  You really need to stop making brownies.
I don't want to go for a walk.  I don't want to discuss my lack of cooking skills or my obsession with brownies either.
Fine, sorry.  Just do something with yourself today.
*Silence and an angry stare*
GO FOR A WALK
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

It's a wonder the husband hasn't committed me yet.

3 pm

I went for a walk.  I got wet.  The dog got wet and muddy.  I'm a bit less angry, but still frustrated.  I'm trying to find a better balance.  I don't want this process to take over my life, but it's so easy to let it.  It's probably a good thing I'm not charting.  I am determined to be more relaxed about things this cycle.  I know I'm not very good at relaxing and letting go and being calm, but I am going to try.    

I have to say I am loving all of the comments on the giveaway post.  I didn't realize so many people would actually tell me how blue, or grey, or white the sky is where they live.  Thanks for entering, and don't forget, if you put up a link on your blog or FB you can enter a second (or third) time.  Just leave another comment.  

14 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. It is such a kick in the face to see those stark, white pee sticks. I am really hoping next month is the one.
    xo

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  2. I personally see nothing wrong with brownies because they are oh so delicious to eat and also my favorite chocolate treat. I send you courage and strength on the ttc front. I wish AF was something we could punch because then I might feel slightly better!

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  3. Bugger. Sending love & hoping the two lines come soon xxxh

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  4. 4 days, that is just cruel of your body to do that to you. Sorry that the pee stick didn't give you the answer you wanted.

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  5. Boo for stark white pee sticks.

    If you figure out the whole balance piece, please share. You know I am tossing around the same questions as you, just a few months behind you.

    And yes, I have totally thought the "3-4 months will actually mean 1" thing, as well, and lately I've thought that perhaps I'd be one to have an immaculate conception...it would make about as much sense to me as losing Otis, so really it doesn't sound that outlandish to me given how surreal my life now is.

    sending much love, as always.

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  6. I am RIGHT there with you - I am also 4 days late! And IT'S. KILLING. ME. I totally understand. And even worse last time I was pregnant I FAILED like 5 tests. Didn't get a positive till returning from vacation and I was over 5 weeks along! So that just gives me less false hope :/
    (((HUGS)))

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  7. I meant gives me more false hope :/

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  8. ugh the ugly single line on the stick always gloats and laughs in my face. I'm sorry you were so hard on yourself. Losing babies definitely turns us on ourselves. I am constantly having an argument with myself in my head.

    xo

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  9. Ugghh so sorry....

    I have a brownie thing too.

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  10. Humph- personally I don't think I will be able to get beyond the similar conversation in my head until I am holding #5 warm and alive in my arms. Oh how I long to be pregnant again.. it consumes me. I understand how far down each BFN takes you- thinking of you with much grace- L

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  11. We lost our daughter Rebecca at 39 weeks on the 4th May 2010. I think I'm pretty much in exactly the same place you are. I honestly thought one month, maybe two to fall pregnant again once we started trying. Seriously :-(. I desperately want to be pregnant. I want some hope and joy instead of just all consuming grief. I hate that single line so much, I keep turning the stick this way and that, just in case there's a faint second line there somewhere.......

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  12. We lost our daughter Rebecca at 39 weeks on the 4th May 2010. I think I'm pretty much in exactly the same place you are. I honestly thought one month, maybe two to fall pregnant again once we started trying. Seriously :-(. I desperately want to be pregnant. I want some hope and joy instead of just all consuming grief. I hate that single line so much, I keep turning the stick this way and that, just in case there's a faint second line there somewhere.......

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  13. Bugger. Sending love & hoping the two lines come soon xxxh

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  14. I personally see nothing wrong with brownies because they are oh so delicious to eat and also my favorite chocolate treat. I send you courage and strength on the ttc front. I wish AF was something we could punch because then I might feel slightly better!

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thank you!

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