Monday, November 29, 2010

'Hi Mom and Dad'

On the phone with a billing agency this morning.  There are two thick folders on my lap.  One marked 'C Records' and one marked 'C Medical Statements/Bills.'  (When I marked these folders I couldn't write out her full name).  The customer service representative has put me on hold.  I'm flipping through the folders and staring into the fire when my fingers catch on something.  I flip to the back of the 'C Medical Statements/Bills' folder and see two ultrasound pictures from February 10th, 2010.  The bottom picture is her profile.  Written across the top are the words "Hi Mom and Dad."  Oh, my heart.  I miss that sweet face.  

After she died I hid everything that reminded me of her.  I shoved ultrasound pictures, baby books, baby clothes and anything else that said baby to me in whatever drawer or closet was nearest.  I'm glad I shoved, tucked, and hid her things away, because six and a half months after she died it is possible for me to find her at the back of the silverware drawer, behind a book in the living room, tucked in the back of a folder.  When I least expect it, when I'm sad, stressed out, worried, and feeling overwhelmed by hopelessness and sorrow, there she is, saying hello.    

5 comments:

  1. <3 hugs <3 She's saying hello to you even now :)

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  2. I was just marveling earlier today how horrible I am that the crib (the only baby thing still seen by the eye) has become a free for all for all the junk and mess in the house. Currently it's a sweater drying rack and it caught my eye today or I should say it didn't. It's so covered you can barely tell it's a crib anymore. I felt horrible and removed a vast majority of the junk immediately. Why o why does this have to be our lives? Sending much love lady!

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  3. I wanted to just say hello. You don't know me but I found your blog through Kristin's. I've been reading through it from the first post on and though I haven't made it through it yet, I wanted to let you know that you are thought of and prayer for by those you'll never meet or know in RL. But you are admired, loved, and remembered often. Keep your chin up, as high as you can manage, and smile for your darling little one. I imagine she looks for those from her mama. :)

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thank you!

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