Wednesday, December 1, 2010

12.1.10

I've been so sad lately I decided to take myself to a movie.  I learned the movie trick from my mom.  She practically moves into the local cinema when she's having a bad day, or a tough week.  I don't blame her in the slightest.  I love sitting in the dark and escaping life for a couple hours.  (Added bonus: you can cry for two hours straight and no one will notice).  I love going in the middle of the day when there are only eight other people in the theater.  I love buying popcorn and putting butter on it, which the husband simply won't allow.

The movie didn't help as much as I hoped it would.  I saw the newest Harry Potter and while it was good it simply wasn't distracting enough for me.  I've read the books so many times I knew what was going to happen which meant I couldn't escape into the movie.  I also had to get up and go to the restroom in the middle of the movie which I hate.  If a movie is more than two hours long there needs to be an intermission.

The tears are so close to the surface lately.  I cried in the market today when I saw a 'Baby's First Year' picture frame with twelve slots.  I can't ascertain if the heavy sadness can be attributed the to end of another cycle without a baby or the holidays.  Last night that sweet husband of mine stepped in front of me in our small hallway, put his hands on my shoulders, and said, "I'm sorry you're not pregnant.  It will happen.  It just takes time."    

Every time I see the negative on the test stick I wonder if it's worth it.  I am grateful for every moment I had with Charlotte, but it's hard to put myself in a place where I may suffer that kind of loss again.  Trying to conceive once more feels wrong, almost like I am cheating on her memory.  Had she lived I wouldn't be trying to get pregnant again.  I wouldn't be thinking about conception, ovulation, negatives or positives.

Trying to conceive feels like walking into battle with no armor and no weapons.  I'm missing one of my arms, my heart hangs from my chest by a loose thread, I'm limping, and bruised, but the need for another child, and the desire to parent, which translated into a constant ringing chant - get pregnant, get pregnant, get pregnant - when she died, overrides the fear.

I thought I would handle the holidays, trying to get pregnant again, and the loss of Charlotte with a bit more grace, but I don't seem to possess that particular characteristic at the moment.

I miss her.  I moved all of her things from the bedroom and the coffee table to the shelf next to the fireplace.  I want her as near as possible this holiday season.

13 comments:

  1. oh sweeite, i know exactly how you feel! It is awful, the feeling ha your body failed me, and now i feel that there HAS to be something wrong because we have been TTC for 5 months, we lost our angel almost 8 months ago, and still no BFP....people keep telling me the same thing you hubby told you, that it will happen soon, but everytime I get AF or a BFN, I feel like it will NEVER happen! It can't be because I want it so much more than last time, because almost all of the women who lost their babies around my time are pregnant again, some of them from the first month of TTC...talk about frustrating. Although I an thrilled or each and every one of them, I always wonder when it will be my turn. I am praying that both of us get our BFP soon! hang in there, and know that you are not alone in this journey!
    Erin
    journeyoflifeandluv.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Me too. To all of it.

    When Aidan died in April, thinking forward to the holidays I thought "we might very well be pregnant again by then and have something new to hope for"...but it didn't happen and instead I'm facing the holidays with no son and no new baby on the way and it sucks majorly.

    Also, did the end of Harry Potter disturb you at all when Dobby died? Just seeing Harry hold him, and then his body wrapped up in that little blanket just made both me and my husband ache. I looked like he was holding a baby. I starting crying in the theatre. So much for escape-ism through movies.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh...i meant MY body failed ME, not YOUR body failed ME....lol...probably should proofread before hitting send...lol

    ReplyDelete
  4. I do the movie thing too. I have started going every Wednesday...it's my "escape" day.
    On a lighter note...you have an award on my blog! xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. I often think about all the years I tried not to get pregnant believing it was such an easy thing... not the case. :(

    I love what you did with Charlotte's things...they look beautiful Angela. I always picture you by your fireplace when I read your blog... I like that she is close to you.

    Be gentle with yourself friend...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wish I could see the future and then I would know exactly when and where to make it all happen (baby) I mean. It does seem more taxing that it's worth. I hesitate to even make plans for a couple of months away because what if? And then what if not? I have this strong feeling that at Christmas time people will begin to ask if we are trying again. And I don't want to hear it. I want them all to go shove it. I too love the movie in the middle of the day and by myself at that. Everything exactly the way I want it, because we both deserve to have it that way. Much love to you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This was me. TTC at Christmas time. It is so brutal, so I understand your pain.
    You do have the strength to do this. That I am certain of.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can't imagine the frustration. I didn't do well when I was trying waaaay back. I don't actually recall the second time (feeling ashamed) because with Lil running around I just figured whenever we got pregnant it was cool...as I already had my hands full. But I do recall the first time and how impatient I was - it only took four months and I was so not graceful... which now gives me a heart for anyone trying longer than that, so that's good, I guess. And in your case, well, I have a heart for you too, So GRRRRRRRR at the world with you - for you not yet being pregnant! :) Hang in there and I'll be praying you along...and the other sweet mama's I read here who also are Hoping on a sibling for their angels (a sibling here, not WITH the angel you know what I mean...)! But I think wanting another child is so great - another one to know and love the first, to share your angel with, to love here -you deserve to have a child to love here in your arms. It's all good. And it is worth even all this frustration and waiting - believe me :) I also know your fears...but I'm going to try to believe, for both of us, our next baby is going to be healthy, healthy, healthy (and I say it and I'm scared too -damn it -which is why I haven't even started trying yet...so see, baking all those brownies make you strong! Make 'em, just don't eat 'em all). Love!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Last Christmas I was pregnant and we lost it shortly after, this year I'm already dreading it. My sympathies and heart go out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel so loved. Thank you everyone.

    Emily - I had to look away when Dobby died. It was too hard to watch. And the part where Harry and Hermione are standing in front of his parent's grave broke my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I wish I could see the future and then I would know exactly when and where to make it all happen (baby) I mean. It does seem more taxing that it's worth. I hesitate to even make plans for a couple of months away because what if? And then what if not? I have this strong feeling that at Christmas time people will begin to ask if we are trying again. And I don't want to hear it. I want them all to go shove it. I too love the movie in the middle of the day and by myself at that. Everything exactly the way I want it, because we both deserve to have it that way. Much love to you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I often think about all the years I tried not to get pregnant believing it was such an easy thing... not the case. :(

    I love what you did with Charlotte's things...they look beautiful Angela. I always picture you by your fireplace when I read your blog... I like that she is close to you.

    Be gentle with yourself friend...

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved