Saturday, December 11, 2010

12.11.10

I'm tired.  I should sleep, but I don't sleep well without J.  I'm a little lonely, a lot sad.  I don't know if this is the lead up to the seven month anniversary, the general misery of the holidays, or simply life after her.  The lump in my throat, that precursor to tears, is always there.  I don't want to cry.  I think if I start I may never stop. 

Never mind.  Crying now.  I guess you can only hold back the tears for so long.  I've been weepy since my midwife gave me that massage on Wednesday.  She provided a compassionate touch, a few good hugs, the chance to talk about how I'm feeling.  Is that all I need to fall apart now?

It's been a long day.  I love spending time with my nephew, but being with him brings forth the worry that when she died I lost my only chance to be a parent.  And not one that remembers a scant thirty-eight weeks, but one who gets to hear her child say 'mama' and 'I love you.'  I'm so scared that she was it, my one shot at that unconditional love between a parent and child. 

I  miss her.  I can always reduce all of these words, this whining, this sorrow, the constant ache in my heart to that. 

12 comments:

  1. I don't think she was your only shot at it. I think some of us have bodies that get pregnant again quickly and some of us have bodies that are naturally enforcing a break and recovery.

    The only thing I will say, and you may not like me for it and you may choose to ignore it, is that I think perhaps you are becoming chemically depressed. And I'm a little worried about that because I know you altered how you were medicating your thyroid issues and seratonin and thyroid are very linked and can also have an affect on fertility.

    I'm only going to say this because I suppose I have an ocean between us and nothing to lose other than your friendship, but I think perhaps you need to consider seeing a pre-Charlotte doctor, considering your health options and maybe, just maybe, going back to work too. I think you think you can't handle it but I'm just not sure sitting at home grieving is good for you or your chances of conceiving again. I know that sounds harsh, I know grief is all encompassing but if you and dh were broke, you'd have to and it might be a lifeline in the same way my lifestyle has been the thing that keeps me going.

    I hope this comes across in a loving and big sisterly way because that is how it is meant. You can't love Charlotte more by being so alone and lost for her; no one will think you love her less if you force yourself forwards a few more steps, put things in the day that will make you have to be somewhere, make the hours go quicker. You need to protect you, the real you, not the babylost veil that has been pulled over your soul, stitch Charlotte into who you are and carry her with you, but through something new.

    I'm worried about you, you seem so lost and hopeless. If I were there, if I were your big sister or you were my daughter,this is what I'd do for you, what this song says.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNHLYDTex9A

    Don't hate me Angela, please :/ Lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Merry. I think I've misrepresented myself. Last night's post was a big whine because I am doing somthing very difficult for me. And I think I wanted someone to tell me I am doing really well and I am so very brave for leaping out of my comfort zone. I guess I should've written that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Angela-I think you are very brave for spending time with your little nephew. I have yet to really interact with any child under the age of 3. I just feel so weird and awkward around babies/toddlers now :( This is a tough month for all of us it seems. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You ARE doing well and being brave:)

    Much braver than me too, I have yet to see the nephew born shortly after Freddie.

    What I said had more to do with an anxiety about you I have in general, but of course, I have only your words to go on and am happy to be quite wrong :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are doing something brave and strong and something only you can recognize as such because no one else knows what goes on inside your head. I find it disheartening when people think we should not be upset by young children because our children were never that age. Exactly. Much love to you for doing something that only a strong woman could!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I got a massage a couple of weeks ago and I cryed through the whole thing. i think its just something about it. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  7. (((hugs))) to you - you are a strong woman Angela!

    ReplyDelete
  8. xoxoxoxo

    I don't know what else to say other than I have spent many, many years of my life coming to grips with the possibility that I'll never be a parent...of course, that's what I dealt with as infertility byproduct, but however it came to be, I know that feeling all to well.

    It's horrible. It hurts. And whether it turned out to be true or not, it didn't negate how deep and abiding it felt some days.

    Thinking of you and sending you prayers for continued strength.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I got a massage a couple of weeks ago and I cryed through the whole thing. i think its just something about it. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  10. xoxoxoxo

    I don't know what else to say other than I have spent many, many years of my life coming to grips with the possibility that I'll never be a parent...of course, that's what I dealt with as infertility byproduct, but however it came to be, I know that feeling all to well.

    It's horrible. It hurts. And whether it turned out to be true or not, it didn't negate how deep and abiding it felt some days.

    Thinking of you and sending you prayers for continued strength.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Merry. I think I've misrepresented myself. Last night's post was a big whine because I am doing somthing very difficult for me. And I think I wanted someone to tell me I am doing really well and I am so very brave for leaping out of my comfort zone. I guess I should've written that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't think she was your only shot at it. I think some of us have bodies that get pregnant again quickly and some of us have bodies that are naturally enforcing a break and recovery.

    The only thing I will say, and you may not like me for it and you may choose to ignore it, is that I think perhaps you are becoming chemically depressed. And I'm a little worried about that because I know you altered how you were medicating your thyroid issues and seratonin and thyroid are very linked and can also have an affect on fertility.

    I'm only going to say this because I suppose I have an ocean between us and nothing to lose other than your friendship, but I think perhaps you need to consider seeing a pre-Charlotte doctor, considering your health options and maybe, just maybe, going back to work too. I think you think you can't handle it but I'm just not sure sitting at home grieving is good for you or your chances of conceiving again. I know that sounds harsh, I know grief is all encompassing but if you and dh were broke, you'd have to and it might be a lifeline in the same way my lifestyle has been the thing that keeps me going.

    I hope this comes across in a loving and big sisterly way because that is how it is meant. You can't love Charlotte more by being so alone and lost for her; no one will think you love her less if you force yourself forwards a few more steps, put things in the day that will make you have to be somewhere, make the hours go quicker. You need to protect you, the real you, not the babylost veil that has been pulled over your soul, stitch Charlotte into who you are and carry her with you, but through something new.

    I'm worried about you, you seem so lost and hopeless. If I were there, if I were your big sister or you were my daughter,this is what I'd do for you, what this song says.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNHLYDTex9A

    Don't hate me Angela, please :/ Lots of love.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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