Tuesday, December 28, 2010

12.28.10

I e-mailed a friend about how I'm feeling and how frustrated I am with my body.  She responded with this:  "try to be kind to and patient with your body.  Your heart has definitely been through the wringer, but so has your body, and it is grieving Charlotte too."

I think I might have to print that out in giant letters and hang it somewhere prominent.  I get frustrated so easily, especially when things don't go my way and reading all of the comments left on my last post (thanks for the love) plus that statement made me realize I need to ease up a bit.

I want to throw my body through a window (ouch) but I need to remember what the poor dear has been through.  Pregnancy, then birth, then a hemorrhage, then postpartum recovery, then switching from medication to plant extracts, then the stress of the holidays which tipped it from functioning to non thyroid-wise.

We've come a long way since that day in May when I couldn't make it to the bathroom without help (I'll never forget my midwife helping me to the bathroom in that little room off the ER.  There was a bathroom just outside the room that backed up to the one I was in and every time someone in that bathroom flushed the toilet a drain in the middle of the floor would gurgle and spit out a small amount of water.  My midwife and I would look at it and giggle and the laughter cracked the tears that had dried on my face and it hurt so much to laugh, especially with my sweet girl on the other side of the door with no life or breath in her, but I couldn't stop it, it was too funny and I was in shock.  I can't believe I walked into that bathroom barefoot) and stayed in bed for days because I was too weak to walk to the living room.

I want, I want, I want, but I can't always have and I'm trying to accept that with a little more grace and less whining.    

5 comments:

  1. It's ok to whine. No one could fault you for that.

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  2. Forgiving your body and giving it some much needed love are so healing. I'm right with you, I need to go easy on myself for not always getting what I want. We have good fortune coming soon, we just need to be patient.

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  3. Forgiving your body is a long process. I haven't entirely forgiven mine yet. I have also had to separate me from my body like I never have before. I can hate my body for not saving Jacob , August and Cub, but I can't hate myself for it or else it would just be too hard.

    That story of the water coming out of the drain is funny. I remember laughing at the odd thing while I was in labour. Now I look back and wonder how I did it, but I believe it was a defense mechanism to keep me sane. I look back now and laugh at how I bled all over the floor as I was changing to leave the hospital. No one was in the room with me and then Ted walked in. I didn't want him to see the blood on the floor and I didn't want a nurse to do it or for someone else to clean it up, so I kept asking Ted to hand be paper towels around the curtain. Suddenly he realized what I was doing and came around to stop me, but it was already clean.

    I never get a sense that you are whining. You are just saying how you feel and it is what it is. Your spirit and your body have been through a huge amount of suffering....they are still going through it.

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  4. You deserve to whine girl! After all the crap you have been through you darn well need to. But I appreciate that last line of your post. Much love to you <3

    p.s. I have to type "redress" to post this - i always find it interesting when it is an actual word ;)

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  5. Another one who does not feel that you whine at all either. I sense your frustration at your body and I am right there with you I promise. I hope too I can be more patience and accept things with more grace. xxxx

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thank you!

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