Wednesday, December 29, 2010

12.29.10

Someone from Dr. B's office called this morning to see how I am.  As soon as she asked I fell apart, which is pretty typical for me.  (I'm this quote personified: "Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.  If they speak, you break down." Bede Jarrett).

I explained how I was feeling, the endless symptoms I have, and then said, "I can't take this anymore.  I'm going back on the medication, I just can't live like this."  She was very sympathetic and nice enough to squeeze me in on the 4th so I don't have to wait until the 11th.

BUT and it's a big one -

How long is this sustainable?  I was supposed to be seeing Dr. B less often by now and all of the visits plus the tinctures are adding up.  Our insurance doesn't cover one cent and each visit, at minimum, is $100.00.  When the visits hit $275.00 or more I have to grip the front counter and breathe deeply.

Is this making me more stressed?  Can I resume the medication without feeling guilt?  If I resume medication I have to find a doctor in town, because the endocrinologist I saw from diagnosis until January of 2010 moved to Indiana.  I tried to find one in town while pregnant, but after four months of searching and attempting to find one who was accepting patients my pregnancy ended and I quit trying.  How long will that process take?  Will it make me more stressed?

After Aquafit today (I went because muscle weakness happens quickly for me when my thyroid is unbalanced, but I couldn't do everything and I was exhausted after) my friend said that I can always try the natural route at a different time.  I need to remember that giving up now doesn't mean giving up forever.

I am slowly coming around to the idea that balancing the thyroid naturally takes time, and that is something I have little of.  I'm not ready to accept that I won't have a baby in 2011.  I want to be pregnant, I want a living child if it is at all possible, and thyroid levels like what I have going on now are not conducive to pregnancy.  But then I think about that number Dr. B circled in her office, that number that may be the reason I couldn't grow a healthy baby.  Dr. B always comes back to that, that Charlotte died because of issues with me, and I am slowly becoming uncomfortable with that notion.

I like Dr. B, I like her intentions, but maybe now isn't the time.  I remember that first visit when Dr. B said she wanted to rescue me and put me back together. Perhaps I'm not patient enough for the rescuing and piecing together.

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry the natural route isn't working so well for the time being :( Maybe being on medication with give you the physical stability to grieve without worry of your thyroid. Good luck finding a Dr!

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  2. Be kind to yourself. Think of a friend that you have and she is going through what you are gong through. Say things to her , tell her you are there for her. It is like that, we need to be a friend to ourselves especially when we need advice. What would you tell a friend? Be kind, be compassionate, it will all workout, whatever you decide. Ivebeen reading or a while and wanted to say something. Sensing your grief and sadness, it is hard not to say something.... It will all be ok.

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  3. Praying the medicine will make a difference...even if it is not the route you'd like take--over the natural one--if it works for now and gives you the opportunity to be less stressed and feel better about pregnancy, I think you need to do what you need to do to keep yourself afloat. I know that's easy to say, but I hope that you'll find some peace in the decisions you make and the routes that you take to bring some hope and joy back into your life. No judgement here...I always say we have to do what we have to do to get through the day. Praying for you!

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  4. I think natural medicine is great when it works. I definitely believe that our modern medical system exists for a reason though, and there is absolutely no shame in going back to medication when you have given the natural route a fair shot. You don't deserve to feel crappy on top of what you have already been through this year. My husband went to a naturopath awhile back who prescribed a thyroid medication...is that a possibility with Dr. B, or is she strictly homeopathic? That would save you the stress of finding another doctor, at least!

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  5. I have just been reading your posts back and I had no idea that you were feeling so poorly as of late. I hope that you can find something that gets you to feeling better soon, Angela.

    I agree with a pp, there is nothing wrong with going back on medicine since it seems this natural route is causing a lot of undue stress that you don't need right now. Just a thought.

    I wish we lived closer, I could come over and tackle some chores for you. Try to keep your spirits up...thinking of you!

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  6. L had a thyroidectomy a couple of years ago. His levels won't even out. One doctor says he must use the name brand and others say the generic is fine. His mood appears stable finally, but finding doctors that actually give a crap appears to be a rare thing. And no two agree. It is a very frustrating thing when your physical and mental health hang in delicate balance relying on someone else to provide answers. When I read about the stress the natural way gives you, I have to believe that you are answering your own question. Weigh the pros and cons and know that you are making the best decision. Wishing your body and mind strength and wellness in 2011.

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  7. It's not necessarily all or nothing. I take both natural and pharmaceutical medications for my asthma control. The natural medicines mean I can get by with fewer and less dangerous pharmaceutical options. My ND doesn't even want me to try going off my asthma meds completely. By themselves my meds weren't keeping my asthma under control and when my allergist tried to solve the problem, the additional meds made me sick. So I went to my ND and I haven't had a serious flare-up in over a year. I take two medications and two supplements. Perhaps Dr. B can help you find a good balance between the natural and the less natural solutions.

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  8. Angela, I think you've hit the nail on the head, quite honestly.

    Now is perhaps not the time.

    Find a doctor. At least give yourself some options. Please, my sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Be kind to yourself. Think of a friend that you have and she is going through what you are gong through. Say things to her , tell her you are there for her. It is like that, we need to be a friend to ourselves especially when we need advice. What would you tell a friend? Be kind, be compassionate, it will all workout, whatever you decide. Ivebeen reading or a while and wanted to say something. Sensing your grief and sadness, it is hard not to say something.... It will all be ok.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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