Wednesday, December 8, 2010

12.8.10

My midwife came over this afternoon to do strange things to me. Those are her words, not mine. She learned a few things about fertility when she spent time with a midwife in Mexico, and I benefited from her knowledge today.

I stretched out on the floor in front of the fire for a rosemary and cypress oil massage, which was lovely. After she massaged my back she applied cups. I've never had cupping done before, but it didn't hurt. It involved fire, but the fire didn't come near me so I was okay. Once my back was done she applied cups to my stomach.

After that she snapped my head. You read that right. She put her hands on my head, wrapped hair around her fingers, and then pulled. I would feel a snap and then get shivers from my head to my toes. It hurt a little bit in a couple places, but mostly it just felt strange. It made me really warm too.

The idea is to improve blood flow and keep everything warm. I wear a belly band every time I leave the house so my belly doesn't get too cold, and I've been eating lots of warm foods. She left the rosemary and cypress oil for me to apply twice a day (She made it herself. Talented midwife). 

I think my body is reluctant to get pregnant again. Or maybe it's my mind ...? On the 14th it will be seven months since Charlotte died. It feels like it's been years, but seven months isn't very long at all.  And I've been so mad at my body for what happened. Something happened to Charlotte while she was in my womb which made it impossible for her to live in the outside world. I don't know what to change so that my next pregnancy will result in a living baby. And maybe that's why I'm on cycle four, instead of ten, eight, or six weeks pregnant.

Being pregnant again means losing control and letting go and I'm not very good at that in the best of circumstances. And when I think about losing another baby my heart skips a beat. I don't know how I would move forward after that. Although, I didn't know how to move forward after Charlotte died either.  Maybe you just have to wake up the day after the worst day of your life, see if you're still breathing, and figure it out from there.

This week I'm making the choice to be less passive. I went to Aquafit this morning for the first time in two weeks. It felt good to stretch and swim and float.  My muscles were shaking as I took the elevator from the basement to the third floor of the Y after class. And the classes are working (my midwife noticed that I have my abs back when she massaged my stomach this afternoon) which is motivation enough for me to keep attending.  

I can't wait to lose my abs again.  Fingers crossed, toes crossed, hoping and wishing.   

9 comments:

  1. I'm dieting and what not and have lost weight but I am in my sister's wedding and I am PRAYING I will need a BIGGER size by April - I hear ya there. Glad you have such a knowledgeable midwife :) (((hugs)))

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  2. I'm hoping and wishing for you too! :)

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  3. Hoping and wishing for you too, Angela. The massage sounds lovely...really.

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  4. I'm going to google cupping. I would like to try the hot stones massage. That sounds really nice. I hadn't thought about continuing to wear that dumb belly band. I say that because I didn't like it. I wore one to keep my pants on during pregnancy and it was such a pain in the ass. I am learning so much new stuff from everyone. It's nice! I hope you get your wish dear friend!

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  5. Oh so many of us are in this wishing pond.. here's hoping...
    I need a massage- my local momspa has a fertility massage... it calls me....

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  6. Hoping you lose your abs soon. I've been studying mine lately. Since I've been doing nothing to get them back into shape, I still have the appearance of a once pregnant belly. I kept hoping that I would be pregnant soon and used that as an excuse not to do anything.

    The lack of control over our bodies is so scary. I was just talking to someone about that last night. How we just have no control. We can eat well and stay away from harmful things, but other than that, we just have absolutely no control on whether our bodies help or hurt our babies, and that is tough to accept.

    I love this sentence: Maybe you just have to wake up the day after the worst day of your life, see if you're still breathing, and figure it out from there.

    It sums it up beautifully. I think it is the only way to do it.

    I've said it before, but I love your midwife.

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  7. Sounds awesome, Angela. These are such good things to be doing for yourself physically and mentally. It is about getting to that healthy point for you and future babies.

    I envy you for having your midwife's support. I wish I could have that connection with my caretaker.

    And you're right that being pregnant again is scary. It is. It's terrifying but the hope sneaks up on you. And you're right that you could never imagine going on after your child died and now it's 7 months later. Losing another would be another soul-shattering event but the alternative is never trying.

    Good luck. You're doing amazing things!

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  8. Have you (or your midwife) heard of Women's Precious drops to put in hot tea? The acupuncturist at my fertility clinic highly recommends them and I took them for both our frozen cycle and this second fresh cycle with Luke. Obviously, that's a 50-50 success rate, but I certainly, certainly, certainly don't think the tea hurt--if for nothing else but it DID keep my belly warm! You can google it, if there's no one around who may have them...and I'd not take them once you got pregnant, but thought I'd mention them. I'd just put a dropper full in a cup of hot water like tea and honestly, didn't even taste bad (some people think they are a bit bitter)...can't hurt is the way I look at it!

    Praying for you to lose your abs very soon too!!

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  9. Oh so many of us are in this wishing pond.. here's hoping...
    I need a massage- my local momspa has a fertility massage... it calls me....

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thank you!

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