Wednesday, December 8, 2010
My midwife came over this afternoon to do strange things to me. Those are her words, not mine. She learned a few things about fertility when she spent time with a midwife in Mexico, and I benefited from her knowledge today.
I stretched out on the floor in front of the fire for a rosemary and cypress oil massage, which was lovely. After she massaged my back she applied cups. I've never had cupping done before, but it didn't hurt. It involved fire, but the fire didn't come near me so I was okay. Once my back was done she applied cups to my stomach.
After that she snapped my head. You read that right. She put her hands on my head, wrapped hair around her fingers, and then pulled. I would feel a snap and then get shivers from my head to my toes. It hurt a little bit in a couple places, but mostly it just felt strange. It made me really warm too.
The idea is to improve blood flow and keep everything warm. I wear a belly band every time I leave the house so my belly doesn't get too cold, and I've been eating lots of warm foods. She left the rosemary and cypress oil for me to apply twice a day (She made it herself. Talented midwife).
I think my body is reluctant to get pregnant again. Or maybe it's my mind ...? On the 14th it will be seven months since Charlotte died. It feels like it's been years, but seven months isn't very long at all. And I've been so mad at my body for what happened. Something happened to Charlotte while she was in my womb which made it impossible for her to live in the outside world. I don't know what to change so that my next pregnancy will result in a living baby. And maybe that's why I'm on cycle four, instead of ten, eight, or six weeks pregnant.
Being pregnant again means losing control and letting go and I'm not very good at that in the best of circumstances. And when I think about losing another baby my heart skips a beat. I don't know how I would move forward after that. Although, I didn't know how to move forward after Charlotte died either. Maybe you just have to wake up the day after the worst day of your life, see if you're still breathing, and figure it out from there.
This week I'm making the choice to be less passive. I went to Aquafit this morning for the first time in two weeks. It felt good to stretch and swim and float. My muscles were shaking as I took the elevator from the basement to the third floor of the Y after class. And the classes are working (my midwife noticed that I have my abs back when she massaged my stomach this afternoon) which is motivation enough for me to keep attending.
I can't wait to lose my abs again. Fingers crossed, toes crossed, hoping and wishing.