Thursday, December 16, 2010

Confession

I wish I didn't feel the need to write here everyday.  It makes me feel broken, lost, a bit needy even, to crave this space as I do.  Her death was the catalyst, the inspiration I've been waiting for since I first thought, sometime in my eighth or ninth year, about writing a book, about a beautiful worn spine with my name trailing down it.  I hate that her death has cracked me open so severely words pour from me without forethought or consent.  I wake each morning full of words that seep out of me; they drip from my fingers; they itch; they beg to be let out.  To release them is to breathe.  I wish I could hold them in, stop breathing, but the words bring her back.  As the seconds without her pile on top of one another - a stack so high I cannot see where it ends or begins - the words too stack up.  Fifteen, twenty, one hundred words for every second without her pour from me.  I want to build a staircase that will reach wherever she is, but the words crumble beneath me like the paper they rest on.  They are so inadequate and flimsy.  Yet each night I exhale, empty myself in preparation for more words, begin building the staircase once more.  Somehow hope still resides here.

7 comments:

  1. Im glad you post here everyday... I wish I could just hit publish on what I write but I cant..98 partial posts, words for my sweet girl and broken heart that I cant publish. You inspire me Angie...I am so sorry that Charlotte is not here and all you are left with is her precious memories and words...they touch deep...

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  2. i love your posts, and think you have such a way with words. it is so terrible that our little ones had to leave us. but it is wonderful that we have this way to tell the world about them, to keep them and their memories alive. ((hugs))

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  3. Your words keep Charlotte alive in our hearts and souls. And for years after you have passed, people will stumble across your words and you both will continue to live on. Sending love and hope and looking forward to every word you feel the need to share.

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  4. I love your posts. They are very inspiring. This was a beautiful post, so visual. I can feel you through your words.

    xo

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  5. I'm glad you post everyday and there is nothing wrong with doing it. I compose blog posts in my head all day long, but because I'm at work, I don't always get to post them.

    I was thinking the other day thating is so beautiful and tyou should write a book. Your writing is so beautiful. I would love to add the name of your book to those that I recommend to those who have lost a baby. I know it would help alot of people.

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  6. There is no silver lining to losing your baby, but I do think you have the skills to survive it, and if writing is one of those skills (for you I think that is a certainty), then I think it is a good thing to honour it. And I do think there will be a book one day with your name on it. I'm looking forward to reading it.

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  7. I love your posts. They are very inspiring. This was a beautiful post, so visual. I can feel you through your words.

    xo

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thank you!

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