Monday, December 13, 2010
Disappointment & a small dash of joy
I'm not feeling very well. My pulse was 110 last night, 102 this morning, 120 this afternoon. My midwife called in a lab order for me at the hospital. I had lunch with J and then had my blood drawn. (I love having my blood drawn at the hospital because it takes one minute and I don't feel a thing).
My thyroid function is falling to pieces (good guess, m). Stress always sends me sideways, but my thyroid function stayed normal immediately after she died so I thought I was in the clear. I am so mad, frustrated, and upset. I was doing so well on the plant extracts and I was so proud of myself for being medication free. This probably means my chances of conceiving this cycle are zero.
I am so mad at my body for letting me down again. I hate the holidays for making me so stressed and anxious I can't sustain normal thyroid function. And I hate feeling like this. My tremor is back, I can't breathe very well, and my pulse is so high all I can think about is my heart exploding. And I'm in a panic about how high my pulse is and the fact that I can't breathe very well, which only makes the situation worse.
I'm seeing Dr. B tomorrow morning. I called her office and they provided me with a list of tinctures to take and dosages to increase. I despise having a thyroid problem. I hope Dr. B can work her magic and restore me to health.
I was actually writing a positive post before I received my thyroid results! I wanted to write a post about all of the gifts we've received and how happy it makes me. At least I can end on a happy note.
The pain of this season is eased a bit by the wonderful people in my life. The Christmas gifts and cards have been pouring in. It brings a smile to my face to see Charlotte's shelf overflowing with gifts of love and remembrance.
A few of the cards we've received
From Chaunchai's fabulous mama
Bird ornaments. One from each set of grandparents.
Ornament from Michael's sweet mama
I love this bird charm because I can add it to the necklace in the next picture.
Journal and locket from Sofia's mama who was my friend in the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope gift exchange.
From Christian's mama
We included this beautiful picture in our Christmas cards. Sweet girl. Seven months without her tomorrow. I am a broken hearted, sick mama.