Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I managed to make it through my entire appointment this morning without crying, but I cried most of the way home (I really need to stop crying while driving, it can't be safe) so I'm not sure if that's much of an improvement.
This past weekend was simply too much for my stressed out self to handle. My levels were beginning to rise anyway, but spending the weekend with my sister pushed me over the edge. I hate that. I hate that stepping out of my comfort zone makes me sick. I hate that I can't help my sister out without feeling so much anxiety my thyroid hops from functioning to non-functioning. It's not my sister's fault that she is in the middle of a high risk pregnancy, or that her baby is a girl.
After talking about when I began feeling ill - Saturday - Dr. B asked, "What happened on Saturday?" I told her about my sister, my nephew, the pregnancy. "That must be so hard for you," she said. "Are you worried her baby is going to die?" I nodded, unable to speak, because tears would follow any words I managed to choke out. Sometimes appointments with Dr. B feel like a mixture of therapy and doctoring. No, not sometimes, every time. My emotions are wrapped so tightly around my thyroid problems I've never been able to separate them. I like Dr. B because she doesn't try to wrench them apart. She accepts that my emotions and health are linked and tries to create harmony between them.
When I explained to Dr. B how frustrated I am with trying to conceive, and how mad I am that this month is out because of these issues she told me that my body is doing what it's supposed to. It's not healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy so I'm not pregnant. It's such a simple concept, but I can't seem to accept it.
What really frustrates me is that I had a good time this weekend, and I was feeling so good the week before. I was feeling healthy, strong, and balanced. Now I'm flat on my back and I'm not sure I want to get up. And this incident is making me rethink the holidays and our plans. Should I just stay home for the rest of my life since I seem to function fine when I camp out on this couch cushion?
My pulse is high, my blood pressure low, so J will be tracking my vitals every evening. I hate feeling so sick, helpless, and panicky.
Some have asked me what I am taking to help balance my thyroid so let me give you a quick rundown. The list grew a bit this morning. Look at this mess:
Lycopus/Melissa tincture - for thyroid health
Bilberry: Antoxidant - for general health
Bach Flower Essence - for emotional health
Fig - for hormones, fertility, emotions
Hormone balancing tincture - self-explanatory
Lilac - for thyroid health (added today)
Thyrodinum 9CH - for thyroid health - added today
Undas - those are the small numbered ones in front. I am almost finished with the three that help with hormones/fertility. Dr. B added three more today for thyroid health.
Prenatal Vitamins - necessary evil
Would you feel sorry for me if I told you I take some of these every hour and some three times a day? Sometimes I miss popping a little white pill in the morning and evening, but I want to be healthy, and medication free, and before this weekend I was doing really well on the plant extracts. Regrouping, rallying, and starting back at zero is so frustrating and disappointing. Hopefully this won't happen again. If it does, Dr. B told me what to do to prevent things from escalating so quickly.
Since I was in town seeing Dr. B I headed over to my mother-in-law's to pick up Charlotte's seven month anniversary gift. I am so thankful to J's mom for remembering our sweet girl every month.