Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Doctor Visit

I managed to make it through my entire appointment this morning without crying, but I cried most of the way home (I really need to stop crying while driving, it can't be safe) so I'm not sure if that's much of an improvement.  

This past weekend was simply too much for my stressed out self to handle.  My levels were beginning to rise anyway, but spending the weekend with my sister pushed me over the edge.  I hate that.  I hate that stepping out of my comfort zone makes me sick.  I hate that I can't help my sister out without feeling so much anxiety my thyroid hops from functioning to non-functioning.  It's not my sister's fault that she is in the middle of a high risk pregnancy, or that her baby is a girl.

After talking about when I began feeling ill - Saturday - Dr. B asked, "What happened on Saturday?"  I told her about my sister, my nephew, the pregnancy.  "That must be so hard for you," she said.  "Are you worried her baby is going to die?"  I nodded, unable to speak, because tears would follow any words I managed to choke out.  Sometimes appointments with Dr. B feel like a mixture of therapy and doctoring.  No, not sometimes, every time.  My emotions are wrapped so tightly around my thyroid problems I've never been able to separate them.  I like Dr. B because she doesn't try to wrench them apart.  She accepts that my emotions and health are linked and tries to create harmony between them. 

When I explained to Dr. B how frustrated I am with trying to conceive, and how mad I am that this month is out because of these issues she told me that my body is doing what it's supposed to.  It's not healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy so I'm not pregnant.  It's such a simple concept, but I can't seem to accept it.      

What really frustrates me is that I had a good time this weekend, and I was feeling so good the week before.  I was feeling healthy, strong, and balanced.  Now I'm flat on my back and I'm not sure I want to get up.  And this incident is making me rethink the holidays and our plans.  Should I just stay home for the rest of my life since I seem to function fine when I camp out on this couch cushion?

My pulse is high, my blood pressure low, so J will be tracking my vitals every evening.  I hate feeling so sick, helpless, and panicky.  

Some have asked me what I am taking to help balance my thyroid so let me give you a quick rundown.  The list grew a bit this morning.  Look at this mess:


Lycopus/Melissa tincture - for thyroid health 
Bilberry: Antoxidant - for general health 
Bach Flower Essence - for emotional health
Fig - for hormones, fertility, emotions 
Hormone balancing tincture - self-explanatory 
Lilac - for thyroid health (added today)
Thyrodinum 9CH - for thyroid health - added today 
Undas - those are the small numbered ones in front.  I am almost finished with the three that help with hormones/fertility.  Dr. B added three more today for thyroid health.  
Prenatal Vitamins - necessary evil 

Would you feel sorry for me if I told you I take some of these every hour and some three times a day?  Sometimes I miss popping a little white pill in the morning and evening, but I want to be healthy, and medication free, and before this weekend I was doing really well on the plant extracts.  Regrouping, rallying, and starting back at zero is so frustrating and disappointing.  Hopefully this won't happen again.  If it does, Dr. B told me what to do to prevent things from escalating so quickly.  

Since I was in town seeing Dr. B I headed over to my mother-in-law's to pick up Charlotte's seven month anniversary gift.  I am so thankful to J's mom for remembering our sweet girl every month.  

 

       
  


12 comments:

  1. Reaching out to hug you through the internet. Love Unda's - they are the most powerful homeopathic medicines out there. Stick with it! Sending good thoughts for your health!

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  2. Holy moly I don't know how you keep all those medications straight. I hope your thyroid begins to cooperate and your body back to a healthy state. Your MIL's gift is beautiful. Charlotte is so loved. Much love Angela.

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  3. Wow that's lotsa meds! I love the picture - It's BEAUTIFUL! <3

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  4. Angela, the 7 month gift is beautiful.

    I could post a pic of my stack of bottles, not quite as many as you but I do seem to keep adding to it (prenatals, iron, b-complex, chinese herbs, vitex...) I can relate to where you are, so much. My doctor seems to have a very similar perspective, that my body is doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing, and that I'm not pregnant because my body isn't ready yet. But argh, so frustrating. I really love that your doctor understands the complex relationship between emotions and health. I've been really fortunate in that I feel like my perinatologist does too. And he's also really cautious about getting me into too many interventions right now, too.

    I am so sorry you're having to face all these health issues. And I'm also so sorry about your concerns about your sister and her pregnancy - this has got to be so difficult.

    You're in my heart, Angela, as is Charlotte, always.

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  5. I cry when I drive all the time and wonder how it can possibly be safe. I drove 45 minutes 6 days after Jacob was born because I was desperate to get a copy of all his ultrasound pictures. I sobbed while driving on 2 major highways. It’s amazing I got there in one piece.
    I know how hard the weekend with your sister was, and the mixed emotions you have because of how hard it is. It is a crappy position to be in to be happy for someone and want the best of them, but also be terrified that they will join out club and be jealous of them at the same time. Everytime I think of the little baby boy in my sister’s belly kicking her, I feel like I am drowning. Even writing that makes me feel that way. I hate that I get mad a pregnant people, just because they have what I want so badly. It isn’t their fault that my baby died, or that they are having a boy, or that they are exactly as many weeks as I was when my world collapsed.
    I hate that you have the thyroid issues on top of everything else. I hope that they level out soon and January is the month. If you get pregnant in February, with any luck we will be pregnant at the same time.
    I love that Dr. B is so caring…it isn’t just your physical health, it’s everything. If only all doctors were like her.
    Try not to be too hard on yourself about feeling so good one week and so crappy the next. That’s grief. Grief sucks. You can decide about the holidays at the time that it actually comes to leaving the house to visit people. No need to make a decision any sooner. Do what is right for you when the time comes.

    I love what your mother-in-law got for Charlotte. It touches me beyond words that she does something every month.

    Sending lots of love.

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  6. That is a beautiful gift your MIL gave you. Did she make it?

    Everyone knows you're doing your best, Angela. Please believe it yourself too. You are dealing with the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. It affects every part of life. Don't expect to feel up or level or anything. Ride the waves, let them wash over you. You will come out on the other side a deeper, healthier person. Much love.

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  7. Thanks for the love everyone. Trying to be kinder to myself but I hate being sick and I hate that my emotions can make me so sick.

    I'm glad you have a good peri, Sarah. I love kind doctors.

    Yes, Amanda, my MIL made the gift.

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  8. What a sweet gift from your MIL...she is very talented! I am sorry that you feel like you are starting back at square one. Grief sucks! Just when we think we are making progress something throws us for a loop. As a friend told me, it ebbs and flows. Hoping for peaceful days ahead for you. ((hugs))

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  9. Thanks for the love everyone. Trying to be kinder to myself but I hate being sick and I hate that my emotions can make me so sick.

    I'm glad you have a good peri, Sarah. I love kind doctors.

    Yes, Amanda, my MIL made the gift.

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  10. Wow that's lotsa meds! I love the picture - It's BEAUTIFUL! <3

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  11. Holy moly I don't know how you keep all those medications straight. I hope your thyroid begins to cooperate and your body back to a healthy state. Your MIL's gift is beautiful. Charlotte is so loved. Much love Angela.

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  12. Angela, the 7 month gift is beautiful.

    I could post a pic of my stack of bottles, not quite as many as you but I do seem to keep adding to it (prenatals, iron, b-complex, chinese herbs, vitex...) I can relate to where you are, so much. My doctor seems to have a very similar perspective, that my body is doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing, and that I'm not pregnant because my body isn't ready yet. But argh, so frustrating. I really love that your doctor understands the complex relationship between emotions and health. I've been really fortunate in that I feel like my perinatologist does too. And he's also really cautious about getting me into too many interventions right now, too.

    I am so sorry you're having to face all these health issues. And I'm also so sorry about your concerns about your sister and her pregnancy - this has got to be so difficult.

    You're in my heart, Angela, as is Charlotte, always.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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