Friday, December 31, 2010

The End

I've been so sick I forgot today is the last day of 2010.  I don't know how I feel.  I want to be done with this awful year of death and sorrow, but it's her year and as each day passes May 14th grows a bit smaller and the memories of that day fade and flicker in and out of focus.


I don't know what to say, or what to think, if I should cry or be happy.  I have a line from a song that was popular many years ago running through my head: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  It's on repeat, my brain won't turn it off, and this year which was supposed to be full of beginnings, of hellos and firsts, became one of good-byes and an entirely different set of firsts that no one should have to chronicle or experience.  


I was so happy last year on this day.  I was pregnant and excited for 2010, her birth year.  When her birth year became her death year I lost all sense of who I am or where I want to be.  And seven months out I still don't have an exact idea of who I am or where I want to be, but I know I'm not there, that I missed a few goals along the way.       


A few days ago I posted a line that sums up this year fairly well: I have cried more, laughed more, loved more, hurt more in this year than any other of my life.


And as 2010 becomes 2011 I hope next year has a bit more hope and a lot less sorrow, not only for me, but for those I have met along the way too.  



8 comments:

  1. Praying that you are right....a lot less sorrow and a lot more hope and joy!
    xoxo

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  2. The line from that song has so much meaning, especially for those in our situation.

    I am sad to be leaving Jacob's birth day. Sure, I am leaving the best and then the worst year of my life, but then I wonder what a date means anyway. I still have a lot of first to go through before I reach the one year anniversary of Jacob's death and birth.

    Hoping and praying that you have a happier 2011 full of hope.

    Love to you my friend.....

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. I too wish everyone a year without such sorrow and heart breaking pain...
    Things are looking up too aren't they, you are getting your thyroid back under control and hopefully you're starting to feel those benefits ~ I hope so with all of me Angela.

    Sorry about dumping the first post - I forgot a vital 'out'

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  5. Feel better soon Angela. Thinking of you as we enter this new beginning and sending love.

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  6. Sincerely hoping this year will bring you some joy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I too wish everyone a year without such sorrow and heart breaking pain...
    Things are looking up too aren't they, you are getting your thyroid back under control and hopefully you're starting to feel those benefits ~ I hope so with all of me Angela.

    Sorry about dumping the first post - I forgot a vital 'out'

    ReplyDelete
  8. The line from that song has so much meaning, especially for those in our situation.

    I am sad to be leaving Jacob's birth day. Sure, I am leaving the best and then the worst year of my life, but then I wonder what a date means anyway. I still have a lot of first to go through before I reach the one year anniversary of Jacob's death and birth.

    Hoping and praying that you have a happier 2011 full of hope.

    Love to you my friend.....

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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