Monday, December 27, 2010

Failure

I am so close to abandoning the tinctures, the natural route, the plant extracts for thyroid control, and resuming the medication.  Dr. B said I would feel better in a few days, but it's been two weeks and I'm still very, very sick.

How long can I live with my heart rate over 100 and often as high as 110?  I don't have enough energy to do much besides sit on the couch and read.  J helped with the housework yesterday, but he's in bed with the flu today so we will be behind on everything soon.  There are four laundry baskets with clean clothes piled in the hall, but I feel too sick to move so I'm going to continue ignoring them.

I forgot how bad this feels, like someone is sitting on my chest, squeezing my head, stomping on my heart.  I'm 27 and afraid of passing out, or having a heart attack, and those possibilities are very unlikely, but when I stand up my head throbs and the dizziness threatens to overwhelm me, and I tend toward drama and worst case scenario so of course my death is imminent.

I called Dr. B's office this afternoon and if she doesn't return my call with a wonderful solution, or a better idea of how to handle this I'm throwing in the towel.  And feeling like this, like I want to give up and revert to the easy way feels awful, but I cannot be this sick and get pregnant.  And that is what I want more than anything right now.

I was told my thyroid disease didn't cause Charlotte's death, but two weeks ago in Dr. B's office a number was tossed out, and she said that high number may be why I couldn't grow a healthy baby.  So now I'm terrified of pregnancy, of losing another baby, of the miscarriage that will most likely occur if I conceive while this ill.

I'm afraid this stupid disease will be the reason I never have a living child.  

  

17 comments:

  1. Oh Angela...I'm sorry you are feeling so sick. But, as a nurse, just to let you know a heart rate of 100 isn't 'awful'...it's high, but probably no higher than a lot of people have taking a walk or going up a flight or two of stairs.

    With my heart condition my heart rate is consistently 90s-100s just sitting...and it's been that way my whole life. I know your heart rate is high for a different reason, but a high heart rate alone doesn't cause immient death.

    But I know the feeling of having your heart rate go much faster than you are used to. When I was pregnant with Aidan, just lying on the couch my heart rate was 110 to 120...and it was scary. I just had to tell myself that it was like that to keep us both healthy and that it didn't mean anything bad was going to happen (although it did...but it had nothing to do with my heart).

    I hope you can get some answers with your doctor and that you are feeling better soon. I think about you a lot and am sending good vibes your way.

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  2. Sending lots of prayers up for you..I hope that you can get this under control. I don't have thyroid problems, but I do have an arrythmia, mitral valve relapse, and a murmur. My heart races a lot and when I was pregnant it was worse. It can be really scary, and when you're anxious it makes it worse. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way..

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  3. I am so incredibly sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with the thyroid issues. My thyroid condition is the opposite to yours I think but also the reason why I am not getting pregnant and if I do, why I too might miscarry. It's just so unfair isn't it, especially as life seems to have been especially unfair already with the loss of our precious babies. I am not sure why I still expect life to be fair but I do, somewhat misguided perhaps.

    Sending healing vibes and baby dust across the ocean to you and keeping you and your beautiful Charlotte Ava in my thoughts. xxx

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  4. Angela, sending you lots of love. This sounds so hard, so difficult.

    I hope this is helpful, ignore it if it is not...I do want to offer that I don't think that resuming meds is a sign of failure or giving up. Making wise and informed decisions for ourselves, for our health, for our families and our futures, is an ever changing and ever evolving process. You deserve to have some relief and some comfort, and it sounds like your body needs a break from the racing heart rate, as well.

    Hoping for a resolution for you soon, Angela, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  5. I'm so sorry things are so hard. This isn't fair.
    Sending all my love and good thoughts.
    xo

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  6. Oh Angela, I want to echo Sarah's wise words - there is no failure; you are surviving and if you need the meds to do so, then take them as long as you need.

    I'm thinking of you and sending so much strength to make whatever informed decision you need and I hope Dr B supports you in that.

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  7. I echo what Sarah said.. be kind to yourself mamma.

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  8. I am thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon regardless of what route you decide to go.

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  9. Bio-identical progesterone cream was and is a major factor in keeping my disastrous hormones in harmony. Might be worth asking your doctor about what benefits it could offer you.

    Praying for your healing tonight.

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  10. I don't have any experience with anything heart related or thyroid related other than what my sister suffers through a LOT with all of her lupus complications....but I certainly offer my prayers and thoughts and hopes that this gets under control and you are able to carry a sweet little brother or sister...you deserve some renewed joy and hope. I just wish we got what we deserved (and didn't what we didn't.)....Sending you love!
    xoxoxo

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  11. Im so sorry... how upsetting and frustrated you must be. I dont have much advice but sending much love your way always!!

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  12. Thank you for the love and advice everyone. I'm going in to pick up one more tincture today - linden wood and dog wood, yummy - and if that doesn't work I will switch back to the medication.

    I know taking care of myself isn't a failure, but sometimes it's hard to see that.

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  13. Angela, i am so sorry your are suffering with your thyroid and grieving charolette. I have not read much on what it is your have, but my husband suffered from graves disease while i was pg with our son almost 4 years ago. We got his horomoones in check using herbs and he has been herb and med free for 3+ years. the Endo wanted to remove his thyroid all together and i ended up helping him at home. Maybe you are taking too many different things at once? herbs are medications too and too many can actually do the opposite of what you need. its all about balance. I am sorry if i am intruding on this subject, i just thought id put in my 2cents and see if i could help at all. i studied holistic health for a couple of years and plan on eventually going for holistic health care provider w/ a major in herbology...someday. I wish you well angela ((((HUGS))))

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  14. I'm sorry you are so sick. I hope that today is better and that Dr. B can get your thyroid under control. I know a rainbow pregnancy is full of fear itself, but having the extra issue tossed in won't help. However, I'm sure that millions of women with a thyroid condition have given birth to healthy babies and chances are that you will too. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and thinking of you all the time.

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  15. Thank you for the love and advice everyone. I'm going in to pick up one more tincture today - linden wood and dog wood, yummy - and if that doesn't work I will switch back to the medication.

    I know taking care of myself isn't a failure, but sometimes it's hard to see that.

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  16. I echo what Sarah said.. be kind to yourself mamma.

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thank you!

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