Friday, December 10, 2010

It Gets Worse

I am on sister duty this weekend.  My parents are away for the weekend so I am on water and food fetching (she is 29 weeks pregnant and on bed rest) and nephew wrangling detail.  I don't mind at all.  I love that little bug and how he calls me Andie.  He used to call me Nana Annie.  I miss that. 

I'm staying at my parent's house because my sister's is small and I don't sleep on couches well.  Driving the foggy roads from my sister's to my parent's I remembered being sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, driving these same roads.  I was so lost then.  Or at least I thought so.  There is a long road that winds its way up from the bottom of this city to the top.  I used to drive it late at night, music blaring from the speakers in my '87 Honda Accord. 

Halfway up the hill if you take a right and then wend your way back to a specific corner in a certain neighborhood there is a lookout.  I used to go there late at night, sit on the wall, look over the city and think about leaving, about being a different person, one who fit in, who read less, who didn't eat lunch in the library, who had a better nose, who didn't get called speed bump all through junior high for that nose.  I thought that was as bad as life got.  I couldn't peel back my teenage blinders to see that life can, and does, get significantly worse. 

I drove past the lookout tonight.  I think I was looking for my seventeen-year-old self.  I want to find her, grab her shoulders, warn her of what is to come.  There was a creepy guy standing at the turnoff to the lookout.  I drove past, turned left, drove past the park where my best friend and I used to sit and talk.  We dreamed of better lives, of leaving, of living in a place devoid of the people we grew up with.  I don't speak with her anymore.  I don't speak with anyone from this town anymore. 

I have lost so much in this life, but the small losses pale in comparison to what I lost this year.  Back then, all those years ago, ten or more now, what I wanted was to be other, different, changed.  And now that I've changed, now that I have to remind myself that I like salad, rain, driving in the fog with the music blaring, and yes, life even, I want to tell that selfish lost girl that morphing into someone else entirely ain't all it's cracked up to be.

The tears fall often these days.  I miss her - my baby girl, my seventeen year old self, the me before she died.



  1. We are so on the same wavelength! And have so much in common. I send you strength as you care for your sister and nephew and I will be thinking of you!

  2. I'm so with you here. I have been thinking a lot about who I was before and the things that I thought used to suck, There is no way to express how much I would rather have those worries back in place of mine now. (((hugs)))

  3. Yes, so much missing, me too Angela, me too.

    Sending you love and strength today, as always.

  4. We all miss that former self don't we? There is just so much that comes with the loss.


thank you!


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