Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Seven

You should be staring at the beautiful lights and shiny ornaments on the tree with wonder in your eyes, your mouth hanging open, drool dripping down your shirt because you are teething.  It is pouring rain, it has been for days, the rivers, creeks, and roads are flooding.  I am wide awake, pulse racing, listening to the rain on the roof, hating this disease, missing you, believing none of this would be had you lived.  That's a lot to place on a little soul, but had you lived, had you found it in you to stay, there would be less rain, fewer tears, a heart that didn't race with illness, fear, anxiety, but one that beat steadily enough you could rest your sweet head above it and fall asleep to its rhythm.  Do you hear that?  It beats - I love you, I love you, I love you.  No, wait, that is only in my dreams.  Tonight it beats in double time - I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you ...  Seven months without you now.  Must I abandon hope that you will come back to me?  I think perhaps it is time to let go, to accept, to know you will not be coming back.  And yet I'll keep looking.  I will always search for you, even though you will never be here.  My fast beating heart that refuses to let me sleep tonight will always hold your memory, but I want all of you.  The rain is falling in sheets and waves.  Is it possible that you are crying for me tonight?  Do not cry, do not worry, we will be reunited.  Someday you will rest your sweet head above my heart and hear its voices, its words, its cries.

I miss you baby mine.  

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful. We miss her with you.
    xo

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  2. This is so beautiful and has me in tears. I wish things were different. How I wish they were. I hate that this is your life, that you don't have your sweet baby girl in your arms....watching her marvel at all the colours, all the shiny ornaments. It just isn't fair.

    Sending you lots of love and hugs and hoping you find some moments of peace and feel sweet Charlotte near. I have been thinking of you both since the moment I woke up today.

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  3. So lovely. I also put a lot of sadness, grief and longing on my little boy's soul. It's hard not to rest that responsibility on our lost babies.

    Praying for you always.

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  4. So beautiful and has me in tears. I wish things were different too. I can't believe it has been 7 months. Thinking of you always.

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  5. I wish we both had our drooling babies :*( I love that last line though. You will be reunited and then you will be full of happy tears :)

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  6. That was beautiful. I so sorry that any of us have to know and understand this kind of pain and loss.

    (And I prefer to think that we all unanimous in our awe vs. me being completely unable to think of my own comment)

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  7. That was beautiful. I so sorry that any of us have to know and understand this kind of pain and loss.

    (And I prefer to think that we all unanimous in our awe vs. me being completely unable to think of my own comment)

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  8. So lovely. I also put a lot of sadness, grief and longing on my little boy's soul. It's hard not to rest that responsibility on our lost babies.

    Praying for you always.

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thank you!

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