Thursday, January 21, 2010

A baby costs how much?!

I'm one day back from a relaxing trip to Seattle and all of my calmness has disappeared. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with the realization that just a stroller and crib will cost more than we spend on groceries in a month. Way more. Then there's diapers, clothing, formula and on and on and on. Right now I'm half wondering if there's any way to reverse this decision.

I still have four months, plenty of time to buy things and get the nursery sorted out. Two weeks ago I was telling a friend how proud I was of my utter calmness about the whole baby situation. "I'm such a control freak, I thought for sure I would be panicking about the nursery not being ready by now." Two weeks later and those words have come back to haunt me. Today I informed Jonathan that we would not be able to buy anything and our baby would be sleeping in a cardboard box with no blankets, only a diaper, and no name. Now that we're a ways into this pregnancy he was able to calmly reply, "You know that won't be the case." and go back to his video game. I envy him his calm. And lack of hormones.

On top of everything else, we paid our entire bill to the birthing center at our last appointment, because we have the money in a flex account and have to do it in one bulk payment. Jonathan told me would take the money out of savings, file the paperwork, get a check and put the money back in savings. Unfortunately, he forgot to do all his research and didn't realize we couldn't get reimbursed until after the birth. I know our savings account is there for times like this, and that it's necessary to take money out of savings sometimes. All the same, it makes me extremely twitchy to use money from our savings account. I've never been able to wrap my mind around the fact that we use our savings account to save money which we will use at a later date. I believe it should stay in there forever and never be accessed.

Add to this the fact that I've been extremely weepy the past two days, for no real reason at all. Sometimes pregnancy is no fun, no fun at all. But Old Navy has yoga pants on sale and the roll top style fit like maternity pants even though they are not. Now if only I could figure out a way to pass off capri yoga pants as work pants.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I miss The Gap

I went to the Woodburn Outlets today because I wanted to buy a maternity shirt. Yes, just one. Jonathan and I are trying to cut back on expenses but you can only wear the same clothes so many times before you get bored. And now that I'm starting to grow out of Jonathan's clothes, my options are even more limited.

After buying one shirt, despite the salesperson's best efforts, I found myself at the Gap. Before I got pregnant there wasn't much that could keep me away from the Gap. Or at least the one at Woodburn because it's a bit cheaper. I'm only a little ashamed to admit that most of my wardrobe comes from there. I like their jeans, I like their sweaters and t-shirts and I usually don't have to try anything on because I know how the clothes will fit.

When I walked in today I realized how much I miss shopping. I hate that I have so few stores I can shop at now. Especially since maternity clothes are so expensive and I don't want to spend money on something I will only wear for a few months.

I miss my size 8 jeans (will I ever see those days again??) with zippers and buttons. I miss t-shirts that lie flat. I miss all of my old clothes and I can't wait to be able to wear them again. The scary thing is I'm only 21 weeks pregnant. Also known as, halfway there. How am I going to feel in month 8?

I had a similar period of mourning a few weeks ago when I finally faced facts and packed up some of my pre-pregnancy clothes to make room for maternity clothes. After packing away 7 pairs of my favorite jeans I almost cried. I'll never be a skinny girl, but I was perfectly content with how I looked pre-pregnancy. Okay, the thighs could have used some help, but for the most part I was happy. Those who know me really well know this is the part of pregnancy I was dreading. Growing, expanding, gaining weight is not fun for me. I know it's for a good, legitimate purpose, but I really don't like it. And then there's the near constant fear that I will never be what I used to be. Or that I will have to work really hard to get back to my pre-baby weight.

Now I'm sure all of this ties into a deeper set of fears. I'm freaking out about this, because it's easier than facing the fact that I'm going to have a baby in May and my entire life is going to change. I'm giving up my job, which I love, and my days (and nights) are going to be completely different.

I thought I was doing really well with all of the changes in my life. I honestly thought I would be a basket case throughout my entire pregnancy. While I'm not a complete wreck, I obviously don't have it all together either if walking into the Gap makes me sad, nostalgic and weepy.

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