When Charlotte died we were entirely lost, so much so we didn't hold a memorial service or interact with the world in any way. We retreated for a good long while, but now that her first birthday is coming up I want to do something.
The good, kind, wonderful people at the birth center have agreed to let us hold her first birthday ___ (drawing a blank here, what do I call this thing? It sure isn't a party or celebration or shindig) on the property so now I need to figure out what to do.
J is useless. When I asked if he had any thoughts last night he said, "I don't want to face that." I expected to be the one planning everything, but I'm still frustrated with his inability to handle most anything having to do with Charlotte.
There are a lot of us working through our babies first birthdays right now. Every day it's another first birthday and another beautiful commemoration. So, what did you do? Who did you invite? Should we have a small remembrance ceremony since we never had a memorial ceremony? What in the world would that look like?
If everything works out we will plant a Charlotte rose, like we have in our front yard, somewhere on the grounds, but the middle child in me, who doesn't want to bother or inconvenience anyone, already feels fidgety about inviting people to come and there's no way I'm asking friends and family to drive thirty minutes or more to watch us plant a rose bush.
I love the idea of releasing sky lanterns, but I want to do something during the day since she was born at 10:10 am and died at 11:47 am. And I don't want to do a lot of planning. I don't want to send invitations or deal with RSVP's, but if we do something like a balloon release, or have cake, I kind-of have to know roughly how many people will be there.
Can I hire an event planner for my dead baby's first birthday? No? That would be strange and a waste of money and J would never, ever agree? I hope you all can help me then. I'm at a loss here.
On a completely different topic: Miss Abigail is doing well, but my sister continues to struggle. She had a tough c-section (actually, that's an understatement) and has had complications since. Please send good thoughts, or prayers, or healing dust, or something her way as her doctors try to ease her pain and resolve some other issues.
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I know that we would come out to see you plant a rose bush. Anything you wanted to do to help in your process we would do it to the best of our abilities. We would also help you plan, make/send invites...maybe a table with some of her memory gifts?
There is no reason to HAVE to scatter her ashes but if you do plant a rose bush you may want to consider sprinkling some ashes around it.
We didn't do a proper memorial service either. At least not one that we invited anyone else to. We said our good-bye's on our own, just the two of us.
I suppose what you need to ask yourself is do you want to invite anyone? Do you feel a need to include those who may have wanted to come to a memorial service?
If the answer is yes, then I would suggest something simple. No one will be expecting anything fancy. And no, you can't hire an event planner to plan a party for your dead baby. I'm pretty sure that's not in their job description. : )
Maybe something where people could light candles and say something if they want to??
I'm a few months away from my son's angelversary and I haven't even started thinking about it. So I'll be curious to see what you come up with and how it goes.
We didn't do much of anything for Matthew as it was thanksgiving weekend and honestly, I was drained. I sort of regret it, but sort of not since it was just for us anyway... You do what your heart can handle and know people all over the country will send you love and support!
I should have mentioned that we will be leaving some of her ashes there. I think we'll probably bury them under the rose bush.
I missed you...I've been away from the blogs I try to follow, not because I want to be but because I can't keep up with everything I want to...I'm glad to catch up...to see your belly :) I'm in the middle of pulling off the first birthday and so not as I dreamed. So your post -ha, I've got nothing :( Except I don't like anniversaries. It feels to big...in the end, I couldn't decide - so now I still don't know how exactly I'm making my little cake and who to "invite." I have completely gone in circles with that. So, all I know is I'm going to eat lunch at the Arboretum where her tree is, I'm letting a few friends know about it... and then having our closest friends and their kids for dinner. Maybe a balloon release, but maybe not...wish I had lanterns...that would be cool. In the end, really, it's just another day and I miss her more, I swear more... I'm not good at grieving I guess. I may sneak some of her ashes into the soil around her tree (we were allowed to do that when they planted it, but we just didn't...). So maybe that will be my big event for the day -sneaking ashes into the ground. That would be kinda huge if I could so much as consider doing something with her ashes. For Lil's sake I want to make sure it's celebratory and something I can keep as a custom - so maybe that's my only bit of wisdom - keep that idea in mind- what is it that you know you can do each year?
I'd drive four hours to watch you plant a rose bush. Quite seriously. Of course, who you invite is a deeply personal choice and entirely up to you, and don't at all feel obligated now to invite me. Either way, remember that little saying- it's kind of cliche, I'm sure you've heard it, but it's so true: you'll regret the things you don't do more than the ones you do. So do something, even if you're not quite sure what right now - planting a rose is highly meaningful and beautiful.
For our daughter's 1st birthday we had people bring fleece and we made tie-blankets to donate to the hospital where our daughter died. I couldn't believe how many people got into it. I think you should do whatever will bring you happiness and peace, and that will make your angel happy too.
My Savanna's first birthday is just a week and 5 days away.. I sent out invitations to close family and friends to send balloons to heaven for her on her day. I also created an event on fb that everyone can RSVP to. (you can also do e-vites if you don't want to deal with mailing out invitations) I have then requested that people take pictures and mail/email them to me with a letter they write to Savanna. It will then get added to her memory book. Since we won't have new memories of her in them, I still want to continue it on. It will also provide a way for future brothers/sisters to know and learn about their big sister. For just about 10 of us, we are having a small cake, lunch and a candle lighting for her. J and i will go to her spot on her birthday to release balloons with just us there.
And we have received messages from people all over the states (and some overseas) that will be releasing balloons for her!
Ultimately though, you have to do what feels right and comfortable. I love the idea of planting a rose bush! And if i didn't live wayyy over here.. I would be there in a heart beat! Don't worry about others.. they will only drag you down. Do what feels comfortable for you and J, at the end of the day that's all that matters. That you two (and little spark) are together.. everyone else is secondary. Hugs to you.. xo (sorry for the novel!)
I've been thinking a lot about this lately though I still have time to prepare. I just don't want to. I guess I am in denial mostly because I know the only way it could be perfect was if he were living. Anything else feels so second best and I know they deserve more than that. I hope you are able to do for Charlotte that which feels right for you and without worrying about anyone else.
I love that the people at the birth center are letting you hold her first birthday there. My sister is seeing a midwife right now and she isn't anywhere even close to being as wonderful as your midwife is.
I wish that J felt able to talk about it more, to offer suggestions and opinions. It is hard to do it on your own (or course, you aren't really on your own, you have all of us).
I think a balloon release would be really nice. And I don't think that they people at the birth center would be too put out by you planting a rose bush. They offered to have the birthday/service there, so I don't think they would mind.
I'm not quite sure what we are doing for Jacob's 1st birthday. I am taking that week off a work as I imagine I will be a mess. I was thinking of having the family meet in a park for a BBQ the weekend before (his birthday is on a Wednesday) and releasing some balloons. I may just go to the garden where he is buried and spend the day there on June 1st. I also want to stop by the hospital where he was born and donate some boxes for the next baby loss families. It doesn't seem like enough though. It should be so different.
I'm glad to hear Abigail is doing well. I hope that your sister starts to feel better soon.
I'm going through a similar struggle. Olivia was born still a year ago Saturday, and like you, we didn't do anything to commemorate her death. My family has a funeral home, so my parents looked after her burial with my grandparents, but we have never been to her grave. It's just too painful. I feel like we should do something to mark her birth day, but I'm not sure what to do. Like you, I've thought about planting something in her memory, but it will all depend on the weather. Hubby saw me crying this morning, and said "don't worry, we have this baby to love". I know he means well, but it doesn't take away the pain or memories. Sending you a big hug!
This is a hard one. There is no right or wrong way to remember her. I seen Sami's 1st bday as a celebration of life more so than a memorial. I was torn about having a big thing and keeping it private. We chose to do something big for her 1st and I think that will be her only big celebration where I actually invite people. We had a mass for her followed by a lunch with a balloon release. I couldn't get myself to do a cake though. Charlotte was included in her balloon release. I wish I had taken more pictures but the day itself was so emotional for me. We released 100 heart balloons for her 100 minutes here on earth.
At first I was worried about what people were going to think upon receiving her invitation but I just didn't care. I wasn't doing it for anyone else but Sami. I felt like I couldn't play down her special day. Her ashes still remain with me perhaps one day I will spread them but for now I am not ready. I think planting them with the roses would be a great idea. You will be surprised by how many people would want to share her with with you. I know I would if I were closer to you. Remember you can always keep simple but meaningful. That day will be a day full of many emotions. I was early in my rainbow pregnancy so I was a mess emotionally. ((HUGS))
I would help you make sky lanterns if you want, maybe if we can find seeds for them we could put a Charlotte rose seeds in them so they could be spread around all over. I would love to help anyway I can.
I would help you make sky lanterns if you want, maybe if we can find seeds for them we could put a Charlotte rose seeds in them so they could be spread around all over. I would love to help anyway I can.
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