Little spark said hello for the first time last night. A quick flutter, a hey I'm here, swimming around, hanging out, growing (please).
These feel like big milestones.
I've crossed into the second trimester, whew.
First time hearing heart beat via doppler, whew.
First definite flutter, no questions about it, whew.
There's a cynical part of me that doesn't put much stock in these milestones. I feel like I can do this, I can do early pregnancy, the second trimester, maybe even the third, but maybe the third is where it all goes wrong ..? We don't know what happened with Charlotte so there's no way to know if she stopped growing, or didn't grow correctly, or what happened. The lack of concrete answers makes me crazy sometimes.
On Friday my midwife said something along the lines of, "Everything looks healthy and normal," and I sarcastically responded, "Yes, I've heard that before." And she calmly said, "Well, that's better than having problems right now." I can't argue with that (she's certainly learned how to handle my negativity and cynicism) but it's strange being barely high risk. Perhaps I'm more medium risk? (Our first bill from the maternal fetal medicine office has me listed as a "moderately complicated patient.")
I feel like everyone else in this rainbow pregnancy world has complicated issues and I'm out here on the periphery with no clear definitions, which is not to say I'm ungrateful for my easy (so far) pregnancies. I don't have a blood clotting disorder, or incompetent cervix. There's no actions for me to take - daily shots, having a cerclage placed - beyond what I did with my first pregnancy. There is no known medical reason, I simply failed to grow a healthy baby. And since I failed, but don't know how or why or if it was even my fault, I don't know what to change.
It's disconcerting to feel like this: suspended, tense, always waiting for a disaster to happen, but this is pregnancy after loss: forty weeks on a high wire over a canyon with poor balance made poorer by a body that constantly changes and grows more unstable.
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SURPRISE!!!
40 minutes ago
11 comments:
Yay for flutters and a growing baby.
The apprehension seems to be par for the course.
Yes...par for the course :/
I'm glad you heard the heartbeat and felt him move...sweet reminders of this precious life. Love you
Oh - those flutters. Such a wonderful feeling. I was just thinking this morning that I wish I could give you a fast forward button. Since I can't, I'll do what I can, which is keep you, Charlotte and your new little spark in my heart. xo
Yay for flutters and heartbeat heard with the doppler. Every milestone counts, especially since we know how quickly we can lose everything.
I like how you describe pregnancy after loss as being on a highwire. That is what it feels like. I remind myself all the time that people give birth to their living rainbow babies everyday and there is no reason that we can't be one of those people.
I was the same. No increased risk of losing another baby. No more than any other pregnant woman out there. Hope's pregnancy was easy and healthy and I only lost her due to a freak set of circumstances at the final hurdle. I couldn't possibly understand how it couldn't happen again. I was treated as high risk though, which was nice and not nice. I liked that I had rockstar treatment, but I hated that it sometimes made me feel as if I'd been a massive failure with Hope.
Hang in there, mama. I know this is a long and lonely road. And so glad this little one is kicking already.
xo
I'm happy and excited that you are feeling Baby Spark. We have all experienced something a little different and with those experiences comes fear. Sending love your way~
How awesome that you felt Spark's first flutters :) I love how you describe pregnancy after a loss as walking on a tight rope over a canyon...that is for sure! Thinking of you, mama
There's nothing anyone can say to alleviate your worry, but I hope these milestones bring you a little comfort. I wish you a speedy pregnancy, and before you know it your little one will be here!
I was the same. No increased risk of losing another baby. No more than any other pregnant woman out there. Hope's pregnancy was easy and healthy and I only lost her due to a freak set of circumstances at the final hurdle. I couldn't possibly understand how it couldn't happen again. I was treated as high risk though, which was nice and not nice. I liked that I had rockstar treatment, but I hated that it sometimes made me feel as if I'd been a massive failure with Hope.
Hang in there, mama. I know this is a long and lonely road. And so glad this little one is kicking already.
xo
I'm happy and excited that you are feeling Baby Spark. We have all experienced something a little different and with those experiences comes fear. Sending love your way~
How awesome that you felt Spark's first flutters :) I love how you describe pregnancy after a loss as walking on a tight rope over a canyon...that is for sure! Thinking of you, mama
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