I seem to have lost the will to live. I've definitely lost the will to get out of bed. Soon it will be two weeks since I retreated to my bed in a haze of righteous indignation. I've been out a couple times, but not very often. Thank goodness for the bookstore as working there has forced me to leave the house the last two Monday mornings.
I've always been able to pull myself together before, but the usual reasons don't seem to matter this time around. My nice, please everyone, take care of things side has disappeared entirely.
The house is clean and dinner is on the table most nights, but the main force behind everything is J. The poor guy works really, really hard and comes home to the Miss Havisham of the baby loss world. And normally that would shame me enough to make me do something besides all of this nothing, but my responsible adult side is nowhere to be found and my teenage side could care less.
J is taking all of this in stride. He says things like, "You're not super functional, you will have to pull yourself together when the baby comes," but for the most part he is calmly accepting of my descent into the dark place, which is really quite remarkable. I would be yanking the covers off, prodding him to do something besides mope, and demanding answers if he started behaving this way.
I haven't been paying much attention to this pregnancy. I'll be twelve weeks tomorrow. How in the world is time progressing so quickly? I thought I would cherish every moment, be happy to be pregnant again, grateful, joyous, but most of the time I'm cranky, anxious, and weepy.
J thinks all of this crazy is stemming from the fact that I have said on numerous occasions that I get one year to fall apart. And since that one year is quickly winnowing down to two months, which will become one, and then, naturally, zero, I am panicking about the time strictures. Oh, he's so wise isn't it? But, truth be told, he's probably right.
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7 comments:
I wish I knew what to say...I just don't. I can relate to some of this. The only reason I make dinner and do laundry and tidy up is for Ted. If I lived alone....well.....I would be sickly thin and the house would be embarassing.
This may just be a stage. The feeling terrible few weeks and then suddenly you won't feel so terrible anymore. I bet once you feel Little Spark kicking, that will help alot.
I found being pregnant again really threw me for a loop emotionally. As much as I wanted it and as happy as it made me, it also made me sad and made me miss Jacob even more. I spent plenty of nights on the couch crying after the initial high.
J is wonderful. Ted would react similarly to him, but I would be more like you if he was acting the way he did. I never quite know what to say when he is having a bad day.
Thinking of you and sending you lots of love my friend.
Oh Angela....my heart hurts reading these words because I felt very similarly. Even though we BEGGED God for another child. Even though we went through another horrible IVF cycle to get there. Even though we couldn't imagine our life without being able to hold and raise (PLEASE, PLEASE let us raise him!) at least one more child...once I got pregnant, I was a mess. I wanted to be nothing but joyful and cherish each second. Didn't want to let anything steal the joy of this new and SO loved second child. But my heart just hurt. And still does.
I've often told my doctors, who compliment me all the time about not being nearly as neurotic with Luke's pregnancy as they thought I would be, that it was mainly because my heart and head were sooooo heavy with grief that I didn't really have the time or energy to devote to being as neurotic as I might have been in other circumstances. And I also constantly, constantly, constantly said, "Don't I even get a year? My whole world has crashed...it took almost 11 years to bring him to our life...41 weeks for him to grow under my heart and hear every beat that my heart made day in and day out...theoretically six months to a year to be postpartum...don't I even get a year to MOURN him? Miss him? Wish my life was sooooo different?"
Too often, by many who meant well, the answer was, "No. You are pregnant again. Suck it up and be Pollyanna for this new baby. This new baby is going to live and require you to be a tangible parent...not just a grief-stricken one with nothing but an emotional relationship. Put your big girl panties on."
Big girl panties suck. I hate them. And frankly, I refused to wear them some days because I just NEEDED to grieve my son. My first-born required something from me and my second child...well, my second child was just going to have to be ok for the moment while I tended to the first.
Just like in real life. When we have two children who are both living, one requires different things than the other at different times. So we give to the one who needs us while the other is ok. And vice versa.
Matthew may not have 'needed' much from me in the way of material or tangible things, like Luke did while I was pregnant with him, but *I* needed things from our 'relationship'. I needed to miss him and mother him in the only way I could and if that included crying and not feeling like doing much but watching Netflix all day, well...so be it.
And the world could just bite me. They didn't have to ride the horrible roller coaster of emotions that are just so mangled--the ones that come when the very days you need to mourn the most devastating loss in your life are also the same ones you need to get all your joy and energy together for in preparation for another child. It's awful when they overlap. Guilt, confusion...complication. I just remember my MIL telling me, "It must be easier since you are pregnant again."
(I was maybe 3 months, max.)
Nope, a million times harder.
Sorry for the soliloquy...just wanted to send you love and let you know that your feelings are so, so relatable. Lots of prayers coming your way.
Hang in there sweet lady. Be gentle and kind to yourself. As we all know too well, grief has no exact timeline. Little sparks arrival will have a different impact on you each day that goes by. I say stay in bed and be present with your grief as long as you need to. Always thinking of you. Been super busy with school, but I do keep up frequently!!! I
(((hugs))) "he's probably right" being in smaller font made me laugh. You'll be okay girl. Sad or not you are a great momma!
pregnancy hormones are probably not helping at all. Just take care of yourself and take the time you need. ((HUGS)) we all love ya.
There is no timeline for your heart. I wish I could say that after the one year things will change but in reality it will remain in your heart forever, the pain and wonder. Being pregnant agai as much as people want to believe that it will heal you, it doesn't. You of course are happy about what is to come but you also know way to much about what can go wrong. It is so emotional! Be gentle with yourself and know that what you are feeling is normal for a BLM ((HUGS))
I wish I knew what to say...I just don't. I can relate to some of this. The only reason I make dinner and do laundry and tidy up is for Ted. If I lived alone....well.....I would be sickly thin and the house would be embarassing.
This may just be a stage. The feeling terrible few weeks and then suddenly you won't feel so terrible anymore. I bet once you feel Little Spark kicking, that will help alot.
I found being pregnant again really threw me for a loop emotionally. As much as I wanted it and as happy as it made me, it also made me sad and made me miss Jacob even more. I spent plenty of nights on the couch crying after the initial high.
J is wonderful. Ted would react similarly to him, but I would be more like you if he was acting the way he did. I never quite know what to say when he is having a bad day.
Thinking of you and sending you lots of love my friend.
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