I'm so grumpy right now I don't want to live with me.
I don't know if it's the pregnancy, the lead in to her first birthday, the weather - it's rained 26 of the past 27 days or something insane like that. I know I live in Oregon, but that's a record even for this wet state - or everything stacked together that's making me act like a crazy person.
I'm not a very nice person right now. I'm so angry, I want to throw things, smash dishes, break all breakable things. Anyone else? Is it because her year is coming to an end and part of me thinks snarling at people and breaking things will slow time down? Or am I snarling at people because I want to be left alone, but when I am left alone I want someone to sit with me, ask how I am? I'm so contradictory and hormonal I fear I've regressed to age fifteen.
I've never coped with endings, or change, very well. And there's many endings and changes happening here. I'm not sure why only one year is hers, but I do know that's my perception. We had 38 weeks of Charlotte, followed by a year of Charlotte, and after May 14th I think I have to figure out how to live in the real world again. Still grieving, still missing her, but more of an active participant in life.
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Back in Arkansas
9 hours ago
2 comments:
I wish I could give you a big hug right now, but thank you for sharing. You are NOT alone in these feelings. I am in the same place right now (first bday in July, due on the same day,etc). I think for me it's a combo of the crappy weather, the grief, pregnancy, anticipating the bday, etc. I'd love to talk to you more if you'd like. I have no good advice, other than take it a day at a time & do what YOU need to do to get through each day. We are going to continue to have tough days for a long time to come. (((hugs)))
Jenn, yes, let's talk more. Clicked over to your blog, but didn't see your e-mail address. Mine is rodman.angela@gmail.com. Message me if you like.
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