3.8.11

I have a cold and I'm miserable and my silly brain has decided that little spark is not okay.  I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm up and out of bed and functioning like a nearly normal person, but the past two days I've been worried about the little one.

I think there needs to be a place for women like me.  Quiet, calm, beautiful, on a warm island with doctors and midwives and someone to answer questions any time of the day or night.  My midwife is great.  She bumped my appointment up a week when I asked and she would be willing to answer questions any time of the day or night for me, but I want someone in my house.

I'm sure little spark is fine.  I still have symptoms, my belly is growing, signs point to all being well, but I think hearing the heartbeat would calm me down quite a bit.  I feel like I'm waiting for this baby to die, which is exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  Only I'm not sure if it's intuition like last time or the emotional overload that comes with pregnancy after loss.

I have to remember that little spark is the baby who wanted to be.  When I look back on dates I cannot figure out how I conceived when I did.  It doesn't make sense with my timelines.  Then the little darling hung on even while my thyroid was insanely out of control.  And I'm almost out of the first trimester which will bring a small amount of relief.

This feels like the longest and shortest pregnancy ever.  On the one hand I can't believe I'm twelve weeks, on the other hand I feel like September will never come. I am so happy to be pregnant again but I feel like I'll need a vacation come September.  Will someone send little spark, Isabel, J and me to a private island when this is all over? Pin It