Our furnace broke, which forced me out of bed, and now I seem to be feeling better. Thank you dear Isabel for shedding hair all over the house which gets sucked into the furnace and makes it stop functioning properly.
I've sorted some things out in my head and I think I'm ready to face the world again. I believe I've been expecting a lot of coddling this pregnancy, and not receiving it - in fact receiving the very opposite: unkindness and negative comments from unexpected sources - left me feeling defensive and angry.
I didn't expect this pregnancy to be so much about other people and how they are feeling. And I know that's the selfishness of loss – I don't really think I'm the only one who lost something or someone when Charlotte died – but my loss is the biggest. I lost a child, my firstborn, dreams upon dreams, and so much hope.
I wanted everyone around me to gently hold all I lost and orbit around me while I carried this baby. But some are holding onto their issues too tightly to stop and focus on what I need, on how I'm feeling. And this time of reflection, of quiet, of intense sadness, and shedding waves of tears on my slowly swelling belly has been about coming to terms with the fact that a lot of people cannot be as kind or compassionate as I need for this pregnancy. Which is not to say that I haven't been showered with kindness or compassion either.
I am old enough to know that I cannot control everyone around me, that I cannot change anyone's attitude or beliefs. BUT - I don't have to listen to negative and hurtful comments about Charlotte or this baby either - even if it comes from family members. It is not up to me to change minds or assuage guilt. And I shouldn't have to defend Charlotte's birth, but I'll continue to do that because I am fiercely protective of the short time we had with her.
The next two months are about Charlotte's first birthday. After that it will be time to focus on Little Spark, on creating the nursery, on being mentally and emotionally ready for birth and (hopefully) a living baby.
Onwards and upwards.
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A New Beginning Looms
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6 comments:
You are right you don't need to hear anything negative from anyone no matter WHO it is! Onwards and upwards is right :) I pray for you daily! <3 (((hugs))) <3
Shame on people for their negative comments! Pregnancy after loss is so hard and I don't think it is unreasonable that you expect more coddling. Thinking of you, Charlotte and Little Spark! ((hugs))
Just want you to know i think of you often and send yo lots of ((HUGS))
((((hugs))))) people dont understand the phrase "nothing nice to say dont say nothing at all" ugh..im sorry girl, i wish i can tell you comments get easier to hear, but at one point you will realize the only person you care to worry for is little sparks safe arrival. I have done the same, after Alyssa's birthday passed I was able to focus more on Adrian and the arrival and have actually entered a phase of plan plan plan. Not so much "do" yet.
Im glad you are out of bed...if/when you need to be back in there, just go with it. the rest of the world will either understand or zip it!! xoxo
it makes me so sad that people are less than supportive to you. i hope you can successfully speak up for yourself, or tune them out if that's not possible.
sending hugs xx
You are right you don't need to hear anything negative from anyone no matter WHO it is! Onwards and upwards is right :) I pray for you daily! <3 (((hugs))) <3
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