Charlotte,
I cannot imagine you as a ten month old. I can't see you scooting across the floor, or thinking about pulling yourself up, or rolling over to reach a toy. I can't hear you babbling away about your little life, the dog, your toys, books, mama, daddy. It would all make sense to you, but we would hear nonsense coming from your sweet self.
I think it's time to pack up your things, love. We will buy a nice chest with your name engraved on it someday, but for now it will have to be a plastic tub - or five. Putting away your things doesn't mean I love you less, but when I was in the middle of my very, very dark time I realized I need to start making room for your brother or sister. You will always have space here, that spot above the fireplace will be yours as long as we are here and if we move from here we will find a new place for you.
I don't look through your memory boxes, or pictures, so why have them out in the living room? I've just realized that it's okay to place your things in a box and put them out of the way. It doesn't make me a bad mother or mean I want to forget you. This balance, dear girl, between loving you and your sibling is not easy, but I have a mother's heart and it can stretch as large as it needs to.
I feel very strongly that you've sent a little brother our way. We may know by the end of the month and if it is a boy then most of the nursery will be packed away. That will be really hard as I so want to use the things we bought with love and care for you. This balance, dear girl, …
You are moving further away and it is hard to come to the end of your birth year. Know this:
"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)"
Always and forever, dear girl.
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14 comments:
I'm far behind you on this path, but I still feel like you're helping guide me. Thanks for this.
Beautiful, Angela. Lots of love.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, having to pack away Aiden's things one day. It's scary but it's getting easier to deal with in my mind. Sending you love ♥
You're taking a huge step in the right direction and I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I don't look forward to having to eventually pack away Chloe's things.
And just for fun, because you mentioned it...from the time you announced your pregnancy I have been thinking boy too.
=**(
I have decided that I am buying a piece of furniture (Like a display case) that I will consider "alyssas space" and put her things there. I get so many gifts and figurines for her and they are everywhere. A part of me was wondering if it sounded like i was pushing her aside, but then i realized I was just ready to have her have her own place and gain some of my spaces back. As i type this out it sounds mean, but i know you know what i mean. and charlotte knows what you mean too (((hugs)))
in my case i never packed her things away, it was done for me, so i will have a rush of emotions as those very same things that i wanted out, will make their way back in in the next few weeks..that is a whole shock on its own i think.
Another lovely letter to Charlotte. Charlotte knows that her mommy has to make room in her heart and her house for her new sibling and as much as we will worry about it, our angels will never feel jealous of the love we give to their siblings. Thinking of you today.
I wanted to tell you something about having more than one child.
Worrying about balance. I am a mother of 3, 2 here and one full term neonatal loss in heaven.
When I was pregnant with my second son, I was terrified about balance, and how I could love them both, and if I could love both my first and the new baby that was on the way.
These feelings you are having, if you can believe me, have nothing to do with the fact that Charlotte is no longer here on earth.
I think those with at least 2 children can agree that you constantly wonder how it is you can feel the same for the second as you do for the first and vice versa.
Now that you will be a mom to two, it is completely normal to feel split in two.
Just my two cents, but you'll see I promise :)
it occurred to me on kenny's 10-month angelversary that i have a no idea what a 10-month old is capable of. if he were carried to term and were now 7 months - i have no idea what that would be like, either.
thinking about you and your rainbow - and always charlotte.
I've been having a lot of these same thoughts myself, wondering what a 6 month old baby does and doesn't do...It's still so strange to me that I've "done" pregnancy but I have no clue about babies.
Much love to you Angela.
Sweet girl.. Always with us.. xoxox
Thinking of you and remembering Charlotte with you~
I wanted to tell you something about having more than one child.
Worrying about balance. I am a mother of 3, 2 here and one full term neonatal loss in heaven.
When I was pregnant with my second son, I was terrified about balance, and how I could love them both, and if I could love both my first and the new baby that was on the way.
These feelings you are having, if you can believe me, have nothing to do with the fact that Charlotte is no longer here on earth.
I think those with at least 2 children can agree that you constantly wonder how it is you can feel the same for the second as you do for the first and vice versa.
Now that you will be a mom to two, it is completely normal to feel split in two.
Just my two cents, but you'll see I promise :)
Another lovely letter to Charlotte. Charlotte knows that her mommy has to make room in her heart and her house for her new sibling and as much as we will worry about it, our angels will never feel jealous of the love we give to their siblings. Thinking of you today.
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