Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Nearly Fourteen Months


It's cool and rainy, which always makes me think of her, of how the weather changed from warming up, preparing for spring, to wet and grey when she died. There should be a fourteen month old napping in a nursery that no longer exists, but instead it's just me here staring at the candles I lit for the first time in two months this morning.  Those candles next to her urn used to burn all the time, morning to night, but now I light them only when I want her to know I am thinking of her, missing her more than usual, feeling her absence acutely.  Two days until another 14th and though I no longer mark each month with a letter to her I am reminded each time those numbers appear on the calendar of my little girl who existed so briefly she didn't have a chance to grow or change or be. There are still moments, and I think there will always be moments, when the realization that I lost a child hits me anew and I understand the absolute enormity of what I am missing; those years stacked on years which seem meaningless until your opportunity to watch them rise is snatched from your hands. 


4 comments:

  1. Beautifully written & lovely toes

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  2. Beuatifully written. The last sentence really resonates with me. Such are our lives now.

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  3. So true. That's the thing with grief. It can really sneak up on you, even when you think you're doing *ok*.
    xo

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  4. So true. That's the thing with grief. It can really sneak up on you, even when you think you're doing *ok*.
    xo

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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