I miss her, but ...

I had my three week postpartum visit with my midwife at the birth center this afternoon.  We had a big, fat talk - the appointment lasted two hours - and I was able to work through some of my thoughts and feelings on Bennett's birth.

I think I was focused on Bennett's birth being this amazing, healing moment because Charlotte's birth was so dang good.  But maybe hers was so good because that was our time, our moment, and the Lord knew we wouldn't be with each other after that.

After Bennett's birth has been such a healing time for me.  Well, the two weeks we've been home from the NICU.  I'm SO happy, there is joy in my soul, JOY friends! and I really didn't think that would come around again.  I thought Bennett would be born and life would still be hard and sad, but it's not.  It's fun and beautiful and I don't cry as often as I thought I would (maybe I'm high from the placenta capsules?).

I feel like I am exactly where I should be.  I felt so lost after Charlotte died and now I feel like I've found firm footing once more.  Of course I want Charlotte here as well as Bennett, but I now understand on some intrinsic level that was never meant to be.  I don't know why.  I'm not going to question.  I don't feel the need to question.  She is our heaven baby.  Period.  

And so not only a joyful soul, but peaceful too.

He will never replace her.  I think I need to be clear about that.  However, there is now a Bennett shaped patch over this torn apart heart and that patch has more healing qualities than I imagined.

I just love him so much.

And maybe in time I will be at peace with his birth.  For now I am happy with knowing my midwife found his birth healing.  I think I need to be kinder to myself.  A part of me believed I would work through his birth with determination and fierce focus because Charlotte's was so gentle, but the emotions crashed in, his position was difficult, a lot came up, I struggled ... I need to work on believing I did well all things considered.  Someday I want to find the pride in Bennett's birth.  

But this after, my goodness it's beautiful.  I feel like Charlotte is smiling down on us from the heavens, blessing us somehow so that I feel such love and appreciation.  We miss her - dearly, oh so dearly - but we are surrounded by her presence.  Her life ushered this life in, she is always connected, tethered to our hearts.

How wonderful it is that he looks so much like her.

My babies.  Beautiful.  Distinctive.  Loved. Pin It