"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you."
I have no idea who to attribute that quote to, but it accurately describes how I've been feeling. We are starting to crash and burn here. It's been very hard to see the hopes and plans we had for Bennett's first few weeks of life slowly drain away. We've had to make tough choices from allowing him to bottle feed - only with mama's milk - to leaving him alone at night so we can rest a bit. We are so lucky that he is here, but there are moments when I would give anything to be able to hold and cuddle him.
I had a blood work up done today. I have switched from hyper to hypothyroid which explains some of my lethargy and tears although most of the tears can be attributed to stress, hormones, post traumatic stress disorder, a difficult birth. It's hard to get good nutrition at the hospital, to eat I have to leave Bennett, and the food options aren't fabulous. My feet and ankles are swelling and I am generally uncomfortable and tired. It's hard to keep my milk supply up, learn how to nurse, pump, heal from birth, work on rebuilding my iron stores, and deal with being hypothyroid. I have a phone consult with my naturopath tomorrow and I hope she can give me some tips and advice on how to cope and heal.
This too shall pass, it's just difficult to be in the middle of it.
I have to say I am so, so, so glad I decided to pack extra clothes for us. We made it to today before J had to do a load of laundry.
J has been wonderful through all of this. I am so thankful that he works in the medical field and can speak with the doctors and nurses, understand exactly what they mean, and then translate it for me. He knows what questions to ask and often surprises me with his medical knowledge. He has been an amazing help with breast feeding too. He helped Bennett latch on successfully this evening and tomorrow we plan to try every feeding on our own without nurses or lactation counselors.
We are not rooming in with Bennett yet, but hopefully, hopefully, hopefully we will make that transition tomorrow.
I am frustrated with the situation. I feel that Bennett is doing well enough to go home, but we have to meet certain feeding goals before we can do so. I had a major meltdown this evening and J and I decided to be very firm about asking the doctors tomorrow to explain what is needed and expected from us before we can take Bennett home.
The nurses and staff at the hospital have been wonderful. From labor and delivery to mama/baby to the NICU nurses we have had good experiences. Our day nurse was fabulous and helped us so much, we hope to have her again tomorrow.
My sweet boy is spending another night without his mama and daddy, but soon he will be in our arms. It's time for me to sleep so I can wake up in a few hours and pump again. We didn't take many pictures today, but here is a cute one of our boy chilling under his lights:
17 comments:
Cute lil bum!
You are handling this situation with such grace and patience. Don't lose sight of that, Angela. You've been through so much, and soon this will be behind you and Bennett will be at home where he belongs.
xo
It must be so, so hard for you. But like Sally says you're handling it so well... even if you don't believe that right now. Thinking of you a lot xx
Bennett is adorable. Thinking of you and your family...Stay strong!
Ughh, I hate that the policies of the NICU's are rarely explained properly to parents. We too thought we were ready to come home only to be confused by the feeding requirements that baby needed to meet before being discharged. Obviously we hope and assume the doctors are doing what's best for baby, but when it comes down to it, you are responsible for your baby's well-being and can do what you think is right. Being extremely firm with the doctors was the only way we were treated like the responsible adults we are.
That being said, it sounds like some of your emotional storm is passing. Your stressful birth and NICU time will slowly fade into the background when you have Bennett at home and can really build that Momma/baby relationship you have worked so hard for. I wish you peacefulness in the next steps of your life with Bennett.
I completely understand how hard it is. Healing, pumping, worrying about your baby, trying to sleep, and dealing with medical personnel is HARD when all you want to do is take your baby and run. You'll be home before you know it and hopefully able to get back to life the way you planned it. Here's hoping Bennett meets all his goals, and SOON!
Aw, look at his cute little baby butt. Just keep in mind that this is not permanent. When there is already talk of him going home it's such a good sign. Deep breaths, talk yourself down off the ledge. Mommy hormones are so hard at this point. You're doing great, and you're doing everything that needs to be done to keep Bennett healthy.
Look at that wee bum!! He'll be home soon. My fingers are crossed that he'll be home soon!
Still praying for you.
*hugs* Haven't stopped thinking about all of you <3
Oh honey I don't know if you know of Liz and her blog, but she has great advice on there for breastfeeding in the NICU, take a look http://ecmama.blogspot.com/search/label/breastfeeding%20a%20preemie I know Bennett isn't a preemie, but a lot of her tips are relevant.
I remember when Ernest was under those lights and having to pin my arms under a pillow to stop me just grabbing him, it was so bloody tough to be without him in my arms after losing Florence. I do know how tough it is for you too.
You *will* get through this.
I want to put my arms around you, I know it's tough now, truly I do, but Bennett will be coming home soon.
Loads of love as always. x
Angela, Im finally on my laptop where I can comment here (i cant from my cell for some reason) Bennett and you guys have been in my prayers SO MUCH. He looks adorable with his cute lil butt propped up. I hope so much you can take him home today and his feedings improve. Breastfeeding, healing, dealing with stress is SO MUCH...and for a BLM, its so hard to do. be gentle with yourself. Tears are expected....and even if you didnt have all of this to deal with, there would still be tears. Tears of joy and those tears of "what should have been" all mixed into one...xoxo...love you all so much!
Oh I love his little hiney! He is so precious and looks just like Charlotte. Bittersweet, isn't it?
I am continuing to pray. Please let me know if there is anything else I can be doing for you guys. Is someone taking care of Isabel? Love you tons! xoxoxoxo
SO sorry you can't be at home with your sweet rainbow yet :( Thinking of you and praying for you! Hoping that you start to heal and start to feel better too! (((hugs))) <3
I have been so behind and I am just getting caught up. First off, I am SO, SO, SO happy that sweet Bennett is here but I am so sorry that you guys have had these struggles. I hope that your boy continues to improve and that you get to go home as a family soon. Thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy your way. <3
I can only imagine how frustrating this must be. I hope the feedings go well, that you get to room in with Bennett soon, and that you all get to go home together very soon.
That quote is AMAZING. Hang in there, I thinkn all that you are feeling is completely normal given the circumstances. Glad to hear he is doing better and hope he can come home very soon.
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