I have no idea who to attribute that quote to, but it accurately describes how I've been feeling. We are starting to crash and burn here. It's been very hard to see the hopes and plans we had for Bennett's first few weeks of life slowly drain away. We've had to make tough choices from allowing him to bottle feed - only with mama's milk - to leaving him alone at night so we can rest a bit. We are so lucky that he is here, but there are moments when I would give anything to be able to hold and cuddle him.
I had a blood work up done today. I have switched from hyper to hypothyroid which explains some of my lethargy and tears although most of the tears can be attributed to stress, hormones, post traumatic stress disorder, a difficult birth. It's hard to get good nutrition at the hospital, to eat I have to leave Bennett, and the food options aren't fabulous. My feet and ankles are swelling and I am generally uncomfortable and tired. It's hard to keep my milk supply up, learn how to nurse, pump, heal from birth, work on rebuilding my iron stores, and deal with being hypothyroid. I have a phone consult with my naturopath tomorrow and I hope she can give me some tips and advice on how to cope and heal.
This too shall pass, it's just difficult to be in the middle of it.
I have to say I am so, so, so glad I decided to pack extra clothes for us. We made it to today before J had to do a load of laundry.
J has been wonderful through all of this. I am so thankful that he works in the medical field and can speak with the doctors and nurses, understand exactly what they mean, and then translate it for me. He knows what questions to ask and often surprises me with his medical knowledge. He has been an amazing help with breast feeding too. He helped Bennett latch on successfully this evening and tomorrow we plan to try every feeding on our own without nurses or lactation counselors.
We are not rooming in with Bennett yet, but hopefully, hopefully, hopefully we will make that transition tomorrow.
I am frustrated with the situation. I feel that Bennett is doing well enough to go home, but we have to meet certain feeding goals before we can do so. I had a major meltdown this evening and J and I decided to be very firm about asking the doctors tomorrow to explain what is needed and expected from us before we can take Bennett home.
The nurses and staff at the hospital have been wonderful. From labor and delivery to mama/baby to the NICU nurses we have had good experiences. Our day nurse was fabulous and helped us so much, we hope to have her again tomorrow.
My sweet boy is spending another night without his mama and daddy, but soon he will be in our arms. It's time for me to sleep so I can wake up in a few hours and pump again. We didn't take many pictures today, but here is a cute one of our boy chilling under his lights: