Monday, December 19, 2011

12.19.11


Having one of those days where B is (finally!) down for his nap and I'm sprawled on the couch, feet propped, hoping it lasts a good long while and thinking I need a huge glass of Diet Pepsi with tons o' ice.  I don't drink, you see, well, not really, I love me a beer once a week or so during the summer, but on days like this I don't think hmmm, a drink with lots of gin, I think hmmm, a big fat Diet Pepsi, even though it may very well give me cancer.

The whole nursing deal makes consuming caffeine difficult, though Bennett doesn't seem affected by it.  I ate my weight in chocolate while on our usual Monday walk so I don't want to have anything else with caffeine in it.  (And I don't have any in the house so that makes the consuming of it difficult.)  My friend had to stop at See's to buy a Christmas present and it was crazy busy.  I had two babies, plus a five-year-old to entertain for quite some time while she went inside the very small store to purchase her things.  She made up for this, which really wasn't too hard except for when the babies were fussing and the five-year-old wanted his gloves on at the same time and I wasn't doing a good enough job of assisting, by giving me chocolates.

I really, really didn't want to walk today, but it was good to get out.  Bennett is just ... whew ... The screaming, oh my stars, the screaming.  Screaming while nursing, screaming while not napping, screaming when I sit, walk, rock.  There's laughter too, but not nearly enough.  I bought a teether while out on our walk and he tried to consume the thing before going down for his nap, hopefully it continues to help.

On top of all this I'm sad.  Super, super, super sad.  Missing my baby girl sad. Still can't believe I have a dead daughter sad.  I think some part of my brain thought life would be easier with a living baby, simply because I would have a living baby, but it's still hard, I still have a dead baby, that is concrete, never changing, and the weight of it still knocks me over sometimes.  And it's one of those hard times, with lots of tears, and a deep desire to lay flat on the floor and be still, not move for a while, let the sadness do its thing, where it crashes in like waves on a beach, over and over and over again.

This is our second Christmas without Charlotte.  In five and a half months it will be two years since she was born.  The idea of that nearly knocked me over the other day.  I should have a nineteen month old, the idea of which is completely unfathomable.  The holidays suck when you are missing someone. No way around it, doesn't matter how many months, weeks, years out you are.

She is missing, there is so much empty space where her little body should be. Sometimes her absence feels so huge I can't see my way to a state other than sad.

4 comments:

  1. Yep, me too. Still sad. Still can't believe THIS is my life. They will always be missing. This much I know.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sad too. We decorated Aiden's Christmas tree at the cemetery this past weekend. The time with Aiden felt almost tainted because I was focused on feeding Kevie most of the time. I don't know why we can't have both of them. You should be busy chasing a 19 month old and feeding her baby brother while wrapping their present for Christmas from Santa.

    Give yourself a tiny break while he is silently sleeping. Indulge yourself and have your husband bring home a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi. xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hate this version of life, you know? I hate it so much.
    I agree- you need a dose of diet coke. Maybe tomorrow when you've abstained from chocolate for a bit? :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. It hurts. Very much. And the best (and worst) part of it is having another baby.
    Why? Now you're a mom with a baby to hold and take care of. So now you know what it means to have such a beautiful soul around that depends on you. And now, every minute of every day, you know what you miss by not having Charlotte around...

    It hurts.
    We're here for you.
    Hope it helps.
    Just a little.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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