Sunday, December 25, 2011


How did you survive Christmas?  I made it through with cookies, candy, placenta capsules, and diet pepsi.  Seriously healthy way to do it.

Sometimes I think J and I work on our marriage all year - strengthening, fixing, tightening - so we can make it through Christmas.  We are both so stressed we have to relieve pressure somehow and so we have explosive fights.  Last year we screamed about saran wrap vs. glad press 'n' seal, this year we had a fight about the diaper pail and who empties it.  Silly, stupid fights that echo with a general theme: we miss her, we miss her, we miss her.

I had an added emotional bonus this year: my period.  Sorry if that's a bit too much information for those who know me in real life.  I'm exclusively breast feeding and yet my period came back right after my postpartum bleeding. Unfair, very, very unfair.  I am so jealous of women who don't get a period back for eight to twelve months.  Also on my jealously list: women who have six (or fewer) hour labors.  And let's not even talk about women who can craft, decorate, garden.

I had B sleep next to me the night before Christmas Eve as well as the night before Christmas.  I needed him near me, I needed my hand on his foot beneath layers of clothes, my cheek pressed against his when I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't find sleep.  I needed to know he was alive, here, breathing, that this Christmas we had way more than we did a year ago, because my heart felt like it did last year: broken, sad, hollow, without.

I am so emotional, weepy, mad that this Christmas has been so difficult.  On the way home from the in-laws on Christmas Eve I cried and J asked if I wanted a diet soda.  I wiped my eyes, nodded my head so he stopped and bought me one.  It tasted like Dr. Pepper so I refused to drink it and J being J he stopped and bought me another one.  He walked out of the store with the biggest soda I've ever seen.  When I admonished him he said, "It was the same price as a smaller one and this way you can drink as much or as little as you like."  I like his logic  (And no I did not drink it all, it was HUGE, though not as big as the super, super, double, triple gulp I saw one guy walking around with. Pretty sure that thing was a gallon!!).

We skipped church on Christmas Eve, too tired and sad to make ourselves go. On the 23rd we joined friends and neighbors at the small church two doors down to sing songs, hear the Christmas story, prepare our hearts and spirits for Christmas.  I barely made it through without crying, I would have been a mess at church, sobbing like I did on Memorial Day - or maybe it was Veteran's Day, can't remember now.

We received a couple Charlotte gifts and my mom lit a candle in her memory while we opened presents.

I want to do something special each year, but have yet to figure out just what that will be.  I cannot believe how cracked open my heart felt this Christmas. It knocked me for a loop to be so out of sorts, but the hugeness of her absence overwhelms during the holidays.  As I mentioned before her rose bush is still blooming in the front yard.  That seemed like enough this Christmas; a nod from the heavens. 

There was joy this year too.  Lots and lots and lots of joy and a smiling, laughing baby who scatters light throughout my life.

Super excited about opening one of his presents Christmas Eve.


I love sleeping in the car seat pictures.

Books from mama and daddy, of course, of course.

This is for me?

Surely you kid ...

Still too small.

Fabulous new rocking chair.  Bennett loves it.

I waited until the last moment to put Bennett in his special outfit on Christmas.  The kid poops once a week, and it's always Sunday or Monday, which means special outfits don't last long.  On special occasion days he often wears a diaper and blanket until it is time to leave.  Christmas morning I was crying (of course) and J wanted to cheer me up so he gathered Bennett in his blanket and flew him around the bed.  The boy laughed and laughed and I stopped crying.

Love how chunky he is.

I hope your Christmas was wonderful, and if it's too soon for wonderful, gentle.

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