Tuesday, December 6, 2011

One of those days


Yes, one of those.  It's cold, the baby is snotty - oh so snotty - which is making him cough, I'm wearing J's sweats, I've had the same nursing tank on for ... three days?, the dog won't stop barking at trivial things, my house isn't all that messy, but feels like it will never be clean again.

I wrapped presents today.  I wrapped a book, one of a few, wrote "To: B, From: Mama and Daddy."  Sat there with pen in hand and thought, shoot, one more thing we will never do for her.  No birthdays or holidays or special occasions, no chances to write "To: Charlotte, From or Love or Just Because: Mama and Daddy.

The holidays hit hard, even with the little kicker next to me, who has just figured out how to operate his hands - his hands! who knew they existed! - and is so proud of his new holding on and bringing to mouth skills.

This is a hard month.  I'm sad and happy, up and down, wishing for her, but so grateful for him.

I asked a friend to make stockings for us this year.  One for me, J, Bennett, and one for Charlotte.  A stocking for a dead baby, ornaments for a dead baby .. how strange life is.  I don't know if one ever fully adjusts to the reality of having a child who no longer breathes, who barely existed, who has things but no presence.

4 comments:

  1. You are right...I don't think one ever fully adjusts.

    We were in Hallmark on Saturday, picking out Cameron's first ornament, and we saw a set of ceramic angel wing ornaments and I looked at Adam and said "There's Bailey's ornament for this year". We decided that each year, we will go ahead and get her an ornament too...no matter what. I don't know that we had actually decided on doing that until that moment. And in that moment, I almost lost it.

    I still am not used to those moments...and I don't think I ever will be.

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  2. OMG.. I am just crying here. I didnt really think about it until i read this. UGH... I have a big lump in my throat now. I hope our angels have a wonderful Christmas in heaven. ((HUGS))

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  3. "things but no presence" - so true.

    I'm busy enough that I haven't really let the reality of the holidays set in yet. But Acacia has been more present in my thoughts - what to do this Xmas in her memory... buy another ornament, probably. Doesn't seem like enough. Really not sure about if or how I'll ask other family to remember her. Maybe it's just me, but now that Allie is here, I think family would be ready to move on. Maybe I"m just making that up though, maybe it's just my fear that they'll forget... because I'm not sure how to remember her either.

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  4. ((hugs)) boogies are so awful for the babies!! they cant breath right, you are constantly trying to suck them out and not hurt them at the same time...and the dogs...oh I know all about the dogs!!! My house that used to be a museum it was so neat, has now taken a seat back. i deep clean once a week now and hold the fort the rest. i do what i can when i can....and the holidays are suffocating to say the least. i know many do the stockings thing..but i cant. i just cant see this stocking hanging there empty. and Adrians stocking is a huge stocking sac. I figured it would take away from needing to be hung and also from seeing it hanging there alone. We used to hand make our stockings each year and decorate them. Maybe next year...but def not this one....Life is strange!

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thank you!

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