Friday, December 2, 2011

She Is Background


Blogging with a sleeping baby in arms instead of cleaning house ... it's what I do.

My head, or maybe it's my heart, is so confused.  I feel happy, life is wonderful - though I am typing one handed because I burned my fingers to pieces last night when I grabbed my falling flat iron without pausing to consider the massive amounts of heat radiating from it.

BUT

the holidays dredge up grief like no other time, except May - that bleak, dark month on the cusp of summer - and with all the dredging I've realized Charlotte is background now.

She is what came before, she is faded, she is less somehow because her life was so fragile.  Fewer breaths lend fewer memories.

And that makes me feel ...

well

there's not really words for how that makes me feel.

How did I come out of all that sad to find this life heaped with happiness?

Why didn't more sorrow come with me?

Not even two years out I've hit the acceptance stage (I think) and it's just strange.

I feel I have everything I ever wanted, though I never knew this simple life is what my soul craved, but how can I feel that way when she is gone?

Last night in the bitter cold, as dusk fell, I hurried home from town, pushing the stroller, Bennett asleep.  My friend had veered off to meet her husband, halfway home J met me, Isabel surging ahead of him.  I couldn't feel my legs, I wished for a hat, my hands were tucked in my sleeves for warmth, but beneath the discomfort was the knowledge of home, soup, sandwiches and I thought, life is sweet.

How can that be?

4 comments:

  1. I totally get how you feel - it's the same for me most of the time. Although certain memories will hit me and remind me that it's not all perfect and I still miss her every day and think about her - but yet I feel happy too. How can that be? If you figure it out, let me know.

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  2. I understand. Every last word of this.
    xo

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  3. I don't know, but I do too. It's a strange life we live now. x

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  4. I am glad you feel this peace now, I look forward to the day when I feel like this every day. I've felt glimpses of it, but not quite yet.

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thank you!

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