If I tried to work through everything I'm feeling this post would make little sense.
Pregnancy announcements have been flooding in. I've been thinking about those who aren't, but wish to be. Honestly, I don't know what to say, how to comfort. What if my words come across as insensitive? I want to say I'm sorry, but we as a group don't always take kindly to those words. Sorry doesn't change a thing and if I could I would change so much.
The sermon at church today left me speechless. This has been happening every week so perhaps I should start expecting it. The pastor preached on suffering and at the beginning of the sermon he said that some people don't really know suffering whereas others have suffered greatly. Then he said something about those who go to the hospital expecting to bring a baby home and leave with empty arms and grief. Whew. Yep. Been there. I am there, still. I leave church every Sunday feeling like I've heard the best sermon of my life. It's good to be back. (If you are at all interested, here is a link to the sermon archives. Today's sermon isn't up yet, but it will be up in the next few days.)
I miss her. I feel her absence more now than I have in quite some time. I haven't lit her candles in a few weeks, or cradled her urn, or talked to her, but tonight I would like to light a hundred candles and have her come sit with me for a while. Really sit with me. Here, on the couch, with skin I can feel and cheeks I can kiss.
I've been thinking about the spring. The first birthdays of the babies that were born before her. Her first birthday in heaven. The countless occasions I'm already dreading. The spring feels insurmountable right now. I don't want to figure out how to celebrate my dead baby.
I wonder what she would look like as a one year old. I wish I had more pictures, pictures of her growing, smiling, laughing. In every picture she is still. Shortly after she died someone said, "You can tell she's dead because her mouth is hanging open. In movies the mouth is always closed, but that is not true of real life." When I look at her pictures sometimes all I see is that open mouth and what it signifies.
The first couple weeks of this pregnancy I was up, up, up. Now I'm down, down, down. Next week we're headed to Sunriver for a winter vacation with the 3 'H' families. Yes, they're all related. I won't be skiing or relaxing in the hot tub, but it will be nice to get away for a week, breathe the air on the other side of the mountain.
Maybe someday this will hurt less ...