I have no idea where all of my emotions are coming from. The baby issue - sorted. I held a baby girl, I didn't kill her, I feel a little less uneasy about newborns now. Despite that conquered the tears started up again this morning. I have no idea where they are coming from or why. I feel like a walking commercial for anti-depressants - all gray sweaters, dark lighting, and sad faces.
Yesterday I was making breakfast when a wave of nausea hit me and I had to sit on the floor. J was puttering around, washing grapes, filling the kettle for tea, when I started sobbing. He turned, looked down at me, "Oh, wasn't expecting that," and then finished preparing breakfast. Are my breakdowns really that common? A year ago he would have flung the spatula down, sat with me, asked what was wrong, but yesterday he just kept going. And I don't blame him at all. If he stopped what he was doing every time I started crying nothing would get done around here.
I think I just miss Charlotte. In roughly ten weeks it will be a year since she was born. A YEAR! How is that possible? Perhaps I'll cry from now until her birthday. Perhaps I'll stay in bed from now until her birthday. I always thought the first year would be the hardest. That's what all the books say. But after the first year a second year without her begins. And in September of the second year without her this baby will be born. Last night I realized I don't expect the newborn in my arms to ever be mine. Even though I'm pregnant right now and everything is fine (knock on wood, cross fingers, say a prayer) I don't feel like September will bring happiness.
This post went from happy to sad rather quickly. I'll end with three good things: I held a newborn yesterday. I bought a bird candle at the bookstore for Charlotte today. I've survived over nine months without her.