Monday, February 13, 2012

day of hearts


Valentine's Day: we don't do anything, never have, which is why two years ago my baby shower was on this day of hearts.  We had the shower early, because my sister was going to be living out of town closer to the day.

I think I have two choices here: fall apart because two years ago she was alive and my sister threw me a beautiful shower, or remember the day as a good thing, a time when friends and family celebrated Charlotte and my pregnancy.

I'm hoping for the latter.  I'm trying to call the goodness of it forward, even though looking at pictures of the four pregnant women at my shower makes me shiver.  One in four women lose a baby in the US - or so the statistics say. That picture illustrates it all too well.

In three months we will celebrate? mark? live through? her second birthday. This morning I told a friend I don't want to lose myself on that day, or for all of May.  I want to be the best mama possible to B, and I can't do that if I don't shower/refuse to leave the house/can't force myself out of bed.

The fourteenth of May is Charlotte's Day, yes, but it's also just another day that comes around every year.  As is Valentine's Day.  I need to grieve, our whole family needs to pause for her that day, but pausing is different from stopping, unable to move for the grief.

It's unbelievable how the greatness of grief can transform into a small - though extremely heavy - package I carry around every day.  I don't cry very often, I can handle Valentine's Day without going to pieces, I think I will be okay when May comes around.

Do I wish I had a nearly two-year-old girl with reddish hair sitting at the table coloring hearts for her daddy?  Yes.  With all my heart, yes.  But I'm learning that it doesn't do my heart good to dwell in that place of wishes.  The best thing I can do for her is keep living.  Love her brother and daddy, be a good mama and wife, be content and know that God is at work here.  Even though I can't see the greater picture, He is in control and watching over us.

**

Happy Valentine's Day, sweet girl.  Love you, miss you, hope you are eating a giant cookie with pink sparkles and heaps of frosting.

4 comments:

  1. My baby shower is a day I find hard to reflect on. So much happiness, hope and excitement. And it was all shattered just a few weeks later.
    Thinking of Charlotte today, with love.
    xo

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  2. We found out our sweet Riley (my first of three angels) had no heartbeat almost 2 years ago. It's certainly sad to think of and losing Cameron (Logan's twin) this pregnancy was devastating but like you said living in a place of wishes isn't good for the heart. I have learned to be strong for my baby Logan. I think all of us BLMs have to be that way at some point - though there are days when it is unbearable. I remember when my friend REALLY touched my heart and told me that God gave me my angels because he knew I would ALWAYS love them. While many forget their lost children there are those of us BLMs who carry them forever with us. I am blessed to have read your blog after my second loss (Peyton). You and other BLMs like you have really helped me share the grief in my heart and without a place to leave my words I fear my soul would be much heavier. Thank you for being you Angela. (((hugs)))

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  3. This is so heart wrenching, yet also a story of survival and how in our weakness He is made strong. Praying for you and your family today.

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  4. So, I'm reading through old posts on your blog and came across this one...it's crazy that I had my Valentine's themed baby shower on February 13, 2010 as well! Our sweet Lily and Charlotte, both celebrated on the same day! :) I love that. I miss that day of only joy, no sadness. I like what you said, that it is not good for a heart to dwell in a place of wishes. And pausing is different than stopping. Good stuff. I will think of you and C now around Valentine's Day, when I remember my shower. Love.

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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