Wednesday, February 8, 2012

suspended


While in the bath with my boy this evening we had a nursing moment. (Thank you for the bath ideas, getting in with him is helping a ton!).  He stopped splashing like a mad man, turned his head and made the noise he makes when he wants to nurse.  So I picked him up, settled down in the warm water and let him nurse away.

He hasn't held that still while nursing since he was a newborn.  He stretched out, belly to belly, his feet almost touching the tops of my knees now *sob, sigh*, relaxed completely and nursed.  I asked J to bring me a towel to drape over him so he wouldn't get cold.  He almost fell asleep, it was the sweetest thing.

And of course I thought about the water birth I've never achieved.  I almost had it with her, not allowed with him.  I envy those pictures of blissful mamas with newly born nursing babes, towels or blankets draped, big smiles, tears of joy and relief.

If I had another baby how much would the desire for a good birth factor in? Tried it with Bennett, failed, had it with Charlotte, she died.  Perhaps the whole experience isn't something I will ever have.  Perhaps for me it's good birth ------> dead baby, tough birth ------> living baby.

I want more babies, but I cannot fathom a third pregnancy.  I cannot even imagine who I would birth with, or where.  So I nurse, cuddle, kiss, smother my boy with all the mama love I possess.  I nurse his hours away from being five months old sweet baby self in the bath with the knowledge that it may be my only time.  A sweet moment tinged with sad, bittersweet come to life.

My first counseling appointment is tomorrow.  I wanted to be all nonchalant about it, but, well, I really would rather not go.  Wish me luck, or bravery, or something - please.

5 comments:

  1. Wishing you all the luck in the world for your appt. tomorrow! Glad that the bathing together is going so well :) I should remember that in the future :)

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  2. Sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes for an appointment that is just what you want it to be! I'll be thinking of you!

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  3. Your bath sounds blissful. There's a lot to be said for rebirthing moments like that.
    I used to shower with Ernest, it was lovely. x

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  4. I'm glad you're liking the baby/mama bath. I love it too. It will be one of the (MANY MANY) things I'm looking forward to resuming when cast time is over.

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  5. I can't remember whether I commented on that last post, but I was going to say I bathed with Angus from when he was five weeks old until he was about one. I fed him every single night in the bath. It was our thing. Glad it is working for you. (Also meant I got a wash every day, which I was most thankful for on the days I never managed a shower, and there were plenty of those!)
    I really hope you find the bravery to birth again (and get pregnant again, of course). I think you have so much love left to give your possible future children.
    xo

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thank you!

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