Wednesday, February 8, 2012


While in the bath with my boy this evening we had a nursing moment. (Thank you for the bath ideas, getting in with him is helping a ton!).  He stopped splashing like a mad man, turned his head and made the noise he makes when he wants to nurse.  So I picked him up, settled down in the warm water and let him nurse away.

He hasn't held that still while nursing since he was a newborn.  He stretched out, belly to belly, his feet almost touching the tops of my knees now *sob, sigh*, relaxed completely and nursed.  I asked J to bring me a towel to drape over him so he wouldn't get cold.  He almost fell asleep, it was the sweetest thing.

And of course I thought about the water birth I've never achieved.  I almost had it with her, not allowed with him.  I envy those pictures of blissful mamas with newly born nursing babes, towels or blankets draped, big smiles, tears of joy and relief.

If I had another baby how much would the desire for a good birth factor in? Tried it with Bennett, failed, had it with Charlotte, she died.  Perhaps the whole experience isn't something I will ever have.  Perhaps for me it's good birth ------> dead baby, tough birth ------> living baby.

I want more babies, but I cannot fathom a third pregnancy.  I cannot even imagine who I would birth with, or where.  So I nurse, cuddle, kiss, smother my boy with all the mama love I possess.  I nurse his hours away from being five months old sweet baby self in the bath with the knowledge that it may be my only time.  A sweet moment tinged with sad, bittersweet come to life.

My first counseling appointment is tomorrow.  I wanted to be all nonchalant about it, but, well, I really would rather not go.  Wish me luck, or bravery, or something - please.


  1. Wishing you all the luck in the world for your appt. tomorrow! Glad that the bathing together is going so well :) I should remember that in the future :)

  2. Sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes for an appointment that is just what you want it to be! I'll be thinking of you!

  3. Your bath sounds blissful. There's a lot to be said for rebirthing moments like that.
    I used to shower with Ernest, it was lovely. x

  4. I'm glad you're liking the baby/mama bath. I love it too. It will be one of the (MANY MANY) things I'm looking forward to resuming when cast time is over.

  5. I can't remember whether I commented on that last post, but I was going to say I bathed with Angus from when he was five weeks old until he was about one. I fed him every single night in the bath. It was our thing. Glad it is working for you. (Also meant I got a wash every day, which I was most thankful for on the days I never managed a shower, and there were plenty of those!)
    I really hope you find the bravery to birth again (and get pregnant again, of course). I think you have so much love left to give your possible future children.


thank you!


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