Saturday, March 3, 2012

night wishes


B is settling better at night.  He doesn't fuss as much, or need to nurse as often, though some nights are definitely better than others.  I'm sleeping more, which is wonderful, but I miss him.  Funny how that works, hmm?

When he wakes I change his diaper, nurse, hold him for a few minutes before setting him down in his crib.  I often hold him a little longer than he needs, enjoying his sweet baby weight and warm baby cuddles.

In the dim glow from the bathroom night light he looks like his sister.  It takes my breath away to see her in his face.  I don't know why I find it surprising; they share the same genes.

He smells of milk, baby dreams, a hint of sourness thanks to the spit-up on his jams.  He is quiet in sleep, though he is starting to make more noises, little coos we can hear over the monitor.

His name and its meaning - blessed - seems most apt in those quiet moments between dark and dawn. His life has blessed us.  He has brought us joy, sunshine, laughter, peace as well as sleepless nights, frustration, tears. And always, every day, wonderment.

When I see his puckered lips and relaxed forehead in the half light it makes me want to have twelve more littles, heaps of babies who look almost like her, who have pieces of her features.  It would be a means to carry a small part of her with us as our time without her grows and stretches.

B is a few days shy of six months.  We've had half a year with him, we had one and a half hours with her.  The fluidity of time always surprises.  He will continue to grow, she will continue to fade, but for years to come I will see her in him at dusk and dawn, those forgiving times of day when the light is halved by shadows and dreams.

2 comments:

  1. Oh how I totally know what you mean. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am constantly in awe of your writing and this post blew me away like no other before it...so beautiful and profound. Thank you for being so honest and letting us share in these precious moments with you!

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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