Monday, March 12, 2012


After yesterday's post I feel like I should make it clear that I'm happy B is here and safe.  We did what we thought was best at the time and he came home with us healthy and alive.  That's important, very important, but I don't think having a living baby means I can set aside my feelings about what happened.  I just don't work that way.  And I have some negative feelings about modern medical care yes, but I also appreciate it too.  There are people in my life who would not be here if it wasn't for interventions, doctors, treatments and chemotherapy.


B's hair is slowly growing.  Six months after his birth he finally has little wings at the sides when we pull his hat off, or wet his hair in the bath.  I didn't know how much it would hurt to place my hand on his head, feel his longer hair.  Charlotte's hair was slightly longer than B's, his head now feels like hers, though bigger, she was a mite when born.

There's a girl with light red curly hair running around my heart.  She's nearly two, her hair is tangled and spilling over her shoulders.  I refuse to cut it.  I want her hair to be long so when the sun shines on her head light radiates from her as if she was sent from heaven.

Not only was she sent from heaven, she was called back too.  Still trying to reconcile that.  Still trying to fit the pieces together even though some are missing and the puzzle will never be complete.

And yesterday I'm afraid I came across as ungrateful for B, unaware of sorrow and loss and the work it requires to have a baby sometimes.  I'm not.  I am thankful for every fiber that makes him who he is.

When I write it's not always obvious to see beyond the everyday mama, beyond the simple and trivial to the little girl who is missing.  I assure you, she's here.  Even when the words I write aren't about her she is behind them, sitting with me, my shadow baby.


  1. I love this post. I also love "my shadow baby". It really describes how they are with you always. <3 I assure you I never thought for a second you were ungrateful for B. Sending my love to you. (((HUGS)))

  2. I really have never read in any of posts that you are ungrateful. I know how hard it is to parent with a baby in Heaven. Being a mom can be tough and frustrating at times, it doesn't mean that you aren't still thankful. And I hope that no one accuses you of such. I also feel that having lost a baby, you are more prone to mom-guilt. I know I am.
    I often see Charlotte's shadow in your writing. She is so beautiful!

  3. I totally understand.

  4. I didn't think you came across ungrateful yesterday at all. I was sad that you were feeling that way about B's birth. I felt that you were feeling guilty about things you shouldn't feel guilty about, but I don't think that it means that you are ungrateful. Yes, it is wonderful, sublime, and fantastic that B is here. But that doesn't mean that his entrance into this world was a cakewalk. And while I strongly wish you had more fond feelings about his birth, it is not ungrateful or wrong in any way for you to feel sadness about it.

    B's rash can be caused by any one of a multitude of reasons. It is hard and it sucks. But you don't have a crystal ball. You make the best decisions you can make at the time. That is the best you can do as a person as a mom. You can never know if those anitbiotics were unneeded, or saved him from something brewing that he couldn't have handled. But, even if the abx were the cause, the rash is preferable to having been ravaged by an infection. The point is you don't know. All you can do as the wonderful, fantastic mom that you are, is try to do your best for him, love him, snuggle him, do your best to make if feel better, and do your best to figure out how to prevent it in the future.

  5. I love your blog. Reading your blog is like reading of my own thoughts.
    Sometimes I wonder if I am not grateful enough for the children I have with me as the one who is not is the one who occupies the majority of my thoughts. Somedays I can't mother my children the way I want to because I am so lost in my grief for my son. Seems absurd doesn't it. But then again losing a baby is fairly absurd.
    I thought your posting yesterday was a piece of processing of B's birth, not a regret.


thank you!


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