here we go again

Charlotte's birth is being investigated again.  When this has happened before, when her birth and death have been questioned, when our story has been posted to sites that are actively, strongly, passionately against midwives and out of hospital birth I've felt a mix of emotions: sad, guilty, frustrated, lost, depressed, angry, bereft, grief struck ..


But this time,


oh this time ... 


I'm mad.


When does a complaint become harassment?


How many investigations will be ordered before her file is shut for the final time?


Why don't we, her parents, get a say in all this?


I think (hope) this will be a quick one, more of a formality because an anonymous complaint has been lodged and must be attended to, but formality or in-depth study of the case aside, it's frustrating and infuriating.


And it all comes back to politics.


This is the third time there has been controversy and strife and complaints filed. 


Fourth if you count the time immediately after her birth and death.


This time I'm mad to my core.


I hurt for my midwife who has to go through another investigation.


I ache for our family as this investigation turns the tide of our conversations.


I worry something I've written or said has brought this upon us.


I wonder if I've spoken too soon about finding peace in unknowns and uncertainties.


It's nearly the second anniversary of her death.


Two years.


Let her rest.


Please.


Let our family be at peace as we heal and cobble together a life without her.

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