We have a busy day ahead of us. I'm trying to write this quickly while J sleeps and B wreaks havoc/tortures the dog.
Last night the birth center where Charlotte was born had a mama's night out for their clients. The birth center has been working on building a group of women who support one another; the online group they created is a wonderful resource, and as summer comes there will be yoga/playgroups/more chances to get together. It's a wonderful thing.
Going to the birth center in May is hard for me, but my neighbor friend who delivered her second with my midwife was going so I went along. It was fun to meet and talk with people I've connected with online, and there were a few sweet babies to cuddle on too. B was in bed, that kid is not nice when he's tired.
The gathering was behind the birth center, in the orchard. The birth center sits on a beautiful piece of land. I'm SO jealous of the midwife who lives there with her family full time.
Even though I was exhausted after a night out I couldn't fall asleep. I thought about the evening, about how hard it is to walk into those situations with my one dead, one living baby. I told my friend I hate being the one who brings down a party with my dead baby. And with it being May there were conversations with the midwives about how I am, how they are, how it is two years later now (I forgot how healing it is for me to see them during this time, to have people who were there remember with me).
I was thinking about that anon person who said I need to move on, stop dwelling over Charlotte's death. You know what? That would be nice. I would love to be a mom who can walk into a situation like last night's with a living baby or two, no dead darling darting among the shadows in my mind. It would be a relief to feel normal, to feel like a mother instead of a grief stricken shadow of a person.
Honestly, I hate knowing I would be a completely different - not necessarily better - parent had Charlotte lived.
I'll never know what it's like to parent without grieving. I'll always have my extra spirit baby no one can see. I'll always have to decide how much, or when, to share. I'll always be the one with the dead baby. It's an awkward cross to bear, it's a strange place to be. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with it.
ETA: I think most people are comfortable with me and my story, I just FEEL super awkward about it all.
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6 comments:
The get together sounds lovely, and what a beautiful place to hold it.
x
I'm sure people are comfortable with your story and honestly if they're not then they don't need to be around you. Grief is a part of my life and if someone can't handle me mentioning Riley, Peyton, and Cameron then they can go be in someone else's life. I used to care SO much about what others thought and barely spoke of my grief when I first lost Riley and you know what? Not speaking of it made it horribly worse! People who have not lost a child have no right to judge. I'm with you on feeling awkward about it though. I certainly do to. I bought myself a "Mother's Day" necklace that I got right in time to wear last week and it has a tree charm and then I had it stamped "riley peyton cameron logan" because they are ALL my children. It freaked my hubby out a little to see Logan's name with our angels names but to me they are always together because they are all a part of each other. All siblings <3 Much love to you mama - you are a beautiful mama and a beautiful heartfelt person - forget the anons of the world who judge you (and even the ones who judge you openly) - you are wonderful! <3 (sorry that was so lengthy LOL)
Angela<I just want to say, your ongoing greif (life)will be with you allways.I honestly don't see how to separate the two.The passing of charlotte is still a part of you, mingled with your very spirit.If there is any expectation from any one to be different"I feel there needs to be a greater understanding of what mothering really is.your words speak volumes and they are your truth and really no one needs to understand and maybe thay won't untill they lose aloved one if even then,because charlotte is part of your very bones...
Wow, I can't believe someone would actually tell you to get over your daughter's death. I mean, I can believe it, but it always surprises me when it actually happens! I'm so glad for women like you who put their stories out there. In the aftermath of my daughter's stillbirth it helped me so much to read others' experiences with childloss. It helped me feel like less of a freak to know that it was perfectly normal to carry this grief around with me. I've learned to incorporate it, out of necessity, into my life as best I can, but there are days when it's hard and I feel like I'm bringing everybody "down". ((hugs))
I feel the same way. It is nice you got to see people who were there when Charlotte was born, there is something special about them. I really miss seeing/talking to my ob, because it just reminds me it was real, she was there, she remembers and seems to "get it." So I guess I won't dread my annual visits to the ob/gyn anymore :) It sounds like a nice event, and I hope I run into my dr. at one of these events someday as well.
Yep, me too (your posts often leave me feeling this way!)
xo
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