Oh, everyone, all of you wonderful people, hugs. Thank you for all of the comments on my last post. It's been so difficult here lately and I really needed to rest my head for a moment and whine.
On Thursday night I received a call and I've been a mess ever since. As soon as the person on the line said, "We would like to ask you some questions about your daughter's birth," my heart dropped, my stomach twisted in half, and my world tilted, memories flying off the disorganized shelves in my mind.
I haven't managed to right things yet. I'm in a place of worry and fear and anxiety. On Tuesday evening an investigator and a "subject expert" from the agency investigating the complaints surrounding Charlotte's birth will come to our home (they are being very accommodating and apologetic) to interview us. He asked if we would be willing; I suppose saying "no," was an option, but I hope - and perhaps foolishly so - that if we do this it will be the end of the investigations.
I cried immediately after hanging up the phone, my stomach in knots, my heart hammering in my chest. I'm trying to let the worry and anxiety flow through me so it doesn't collect and create a maelstrom of crazy in my brain. It's not working very well.
We hung a print in our living room recently. I see it daily, and in the midst of my five minutes after hanging up the phone panic it caught my eye.
print from naptime diaries
Okay.
God's got this.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm trying to find stillness and peace. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for my voice to be heard. For our family to say our piece, state our impressions and feelings.
It won't be easy, I don't want to do it, but maybe it will finally bring all of this to a close.
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11 comments:
I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. (and I love that print!)
I'm so sorry it keeps being brought up. Hoping this ends it. Sending strength.
Sending courage and strength for this upcoming meeting ((hugs))
proud of you! {hugs}
Maybe you've addressed this before and I missed it, or maybe you don't want to address it on your blog and that's fine too, but I'm honestly really confused...
Who are these people that keep investigating Charlotte's birth?
I don't understand. You are her mother, you were AT her birth. If you felt that something happened that shouldn't have (other than the obvious), wouldn't you and only you be the person qualified to make a complaint?
Who are these 3rd party people that keep dragging up Charlotte's birth/death as if something criminal happened? Is it because she was born in a birthing centre? Do they not realize that bad things happen in hospitals too? Babies die even surrounded by medical technology and obstetricians...I've seen it.
Is it that the midwife is personally being investigated? How do these outsiders even know what happened?
Really I don't mean to be obtuse, it's just that you've mentioned how hurtful this is for you and it seems to keep coming up over and over, which is so wrong. Maybe you can't mention it on here, which I also understand...I just didn't know if I missed something.
I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with this.
Where did you get that print, by the way? I love it!
First of all - The print is from naptime diaries on Etsy.
Second of all - I'm being a bit careful about sharing information because I'm just not sure if I should.
Here's (to the best of our knowledge) why and how this keeps happening.
There is a website with a list of midwives and any fatalities from births they have attended. We *think* someone - or more than one someones - are systematically going through the list and filing complaints against the midwives with the appropriate agency.
I think these people truly believe they are saving women and babies, or trying to at least. They believe they are doing a good thing.
Even though we are the parents we have zero say in any of the investigations. If a complaint is filed the agency must investigate, period. No wiggle room in that rule at all.
People find out what happened via that website which links to my blog. And Charlotte's birth and death is a public record, so information can be accessed there. I don't even want to think about someone looking through birth and death records for dead babies who have been attended by midwives, but it is a possibility.
So, that's the gist of things. And it looks as if it will continue as long as complaints roll in.
Ugh! I wish you strength and peace this week as you get more questions.
Friend...standing with you. Fighting in prayer with you.
xoxo
That has to be really hard, I am sorry.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this... thinking of you and hope it does bring you peace. Love always xoxo
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